And So It Goes
by kek123452003
Summary: Sequel to "Do What You Have to Do"
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **_And So It Goes_

**Author: **Kelley

**Rating: **PG-13 to R

**Category:** J/D

**Feedback: **The quicker I get the feedback, the quicker you get the story!

**Disclaimers: **AS owns J/D and anything WW related; Billy Joel owns the song; I own everything else because we live in a cruel, cruel world

**Notes: **This is the fifth story in my "Love" series. It follows _Do What You Have to Do_. If you don't want to read those, the basic gist of it is that Josh and Donna are married with two daughters. Their older daughter, Emma, was born to Donna before she ever met Josh and he's since adopted her. Josh and Donna's other daughter that they had together is Natalie. President Bartlet resigned after Abbey died in 2003 and Josh is now a Senator from Connecticut with Toby as his C.o.S. Sam and Josh are estranged and he is running for governor of California with the help of C.J. and Leo. The divided groups of the Bartlet administration don't really speak anymore. Donna has two siblings, an older sister Nicole, who lives with Toby, and a younger brother, T.J., who is married to Eleanor Bartlet and they have a son, Shawn. Josh's closest friend and ally in Congress is Representative Bobby Harrington, who's wife, Helen, is a friend of Donna's. This story starts off a few months after _DWYHtD _ended, in June of 2005.  

Langley House: June 24, 2005 

"Donna!" Josh bellowed from their bedroom, which looked more like a war-zone. They'd arrived back at Langley House that morning from their Georgetown brownstone. The current session of Congress had ended just days ago and the Lyman family was eager to get back to their roots and away from the city. He'd just carried several suitcases up to the master bedroom at their Connecticut home, after the friends who'd helped them move back had gone, and when he had opened them to get started on the unpacking, he quickly realized he had absolutely no idea where any of his clothes went, as usual. "Donna!" he tried again.

"She can't hear you," a voice that was not his wife's informed him. He turned around to see his seven year-old daughter, Emma, coming in from the doorway with the family cat, Lulu, tucked in her arms. "She's downstairs in the study." 

"What's she doing down there?" he asked as he moved a suitcase from the bed. He patted the spot and helped Emma to climb onto the four-poster bed.

"Calling Lily. Again," she told him, Lily being Donna's best friend and Emma's godmother. "That's all she does anymore, talk to Lily on the phone or email Lily or go to see Lily in New York…"

"Well she has to," Josh patiently explained as he tried to locate where the rest of the hangers were. "The magazine is going to come out soon and Mommy and Lily want to make sure everything goes right so it's a big success."

The magazine he was referring to was the woman's magazine that Lily was publishing, _Woman_. The daughter of a publishing magnate and herself a reporter her entire adult life, it had been Lily's dream to have her own magazine for years. When the opportunity finally arose, she'd offered Donna a job as a columnist. Deciding it was what she needed to do with her life then, after all the turmoil she'd faced in the previous months, Donna had accepted and she and Lily had been working night and day to get the magazine off the ground with a strong start.

Said turmoil was a disastrous fight and a period of almost three months separation that Josh and Donna had recently experienced. The fight was caused by Donna revealing a long-kept secret to her husband that he took in the worst possible way, tempered by his ongoing battle with PTSD. She'd taken Emma and their then eighteen month-old daughter, Natalie, with her up to Canada and away from Josh. She'd returned the girls a month later but had traveled for another month or so on her own to confront many familial demons from her past. Upon her return, she and Josh had made the decision to stay married and try their best to work through their problems. Problems they were still dealing with to this day but at least dealing with them better than had before the separation.

"Daddy?" he heard his daughter ask him as he crawled around the floor, peering into boxes and suitcases.

"Yes sweetie?"

She looked up at him, with her big blue eyes that never failed to turn him into a quivering pile of goop, no matter what he was feeling. "Would you be mad at me if I asked a question that you might not want to answer?" she asked quietly as she set the cat down beside her.

"Emma Antonia Lyman, I would be madder at you if you didn't ask the question in the first place," he told her sincerely, kneeling in front of her. "You should never be afraid to ask me anything, ever." Her face didn't convey any fearful emotions she might be feeling so Josh relaxed slightly. "What do you need to know that you think I don't want to tell you?" 

She looked down and petted the cat with one hand, while chewing on the thumbnail of the other, something she did when she was nervous or unsure. Finally, she looked up at him. "Why does Mommy have to work?"

"What do you mean?" he asked her, a little taken aback by the question.

"None of my friends' mommies have to work," she tried to explain in a plaintive tone that only children can get away with. "And we're not poor, like other families are where mommies work.  Why does Mommy have to?"

"Well, your friend Freddie's mommy, Helen, works as a doctor, remember?" Josh attempted to answer her with an example.

"That's different," Emma countered. "She worked way before she had Freddie and I know Mommy worked before I lived with her but that's different. Ever since then, she's always been here. Why can't she just stay here with me and Natty?"

The picture was starting to become clearer to Josh. For the first four years of her young life, when Donna had worked for Josh on the campaign and then at the White House, Emma had lived with Donna's grandmother in Wisconsin. Her biological father, the infamous Dr. Freeride, had never been a part of her life and Donna had felt Emma could have more stability in Wisconsin than in DC. No one Donna worked with, including Josh, had even known Emma existed until Donna had become frightfully ill and had required a bone marrow transplant, which only Emma could provide. Since then, nearly three full years now, Donna had been fully available for Emma and her baby sister. That would all change though when Donna started writing her column, and it seemed that Emma could sense that. It shouldn't surprise Josh that she was that perceptive; she had skipped a full grade after all.

"Because," he started, taking her hands in his, "it's something that Mommy needs to do for herself, to make her happy."

She immediately went on the defensive, like any true politician would when confronted with unwanted information. "You mean we don't make her happy anymore?" Emma asked, her bottom lip jutting out.

"No, no of course not," Josh quickly clarified, gently squeezing her hands in comfort. "This family, our family, makes Mommy very happy. But sometimes people need other things in their lives for themselves that make them happy, besides their family. Take you for example. You do things by yourself that make you happy that we don't all do together. Like soccer, for instance; you love playing that with all your friends on your soccer team but Mommy and I don't play."

"No, but Aunt Nicole said that's because Mommy doesn't like getting dirty and because you have no athletic prowess whatsoever," she said, smiling smugly at him, lightening the moment.

"Oh really," he smirked back at her. "Well remind to tell Aunt Nicole the next time I see her that I happen to be the four-time frat house champion of the Del-Alpha Fraternity Soda Can Bowling Tournament."

"What's a frat house?"

He thought back to his college days and the antics of himself and his fraternity brothers. "Something I'll try to make sure you never see the inside of," he said seriously, almost shuddering at the thought that his daughter might one day date a guy like the one he was in college. "But back to you, young lady. Do you understand now why Mommy wants to work?"

She shrugged listlessly. "I guess," she mumbled. She looked at him thoughtfully. "Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"What if having a job doesn't make her happy though? Will she leave again?" she asked, fear evident in her voice.

It was a question Josh had been secretly asking himself for weeks now. Donna seemed to be pinning all her hopes on the basis that having a regular job was what was missing from her life and keeping her from being completely happy, but what if it wasn't? What if she needed something more? What if the magazine flopped? Where would they all be then? Where would this family be? It wasn't fair to any of them but it was especially unfair to Emma. Natalie was just a baby and didn't really understand what was happening around her but Emma did. She remembered what it was like when their family was ripped apart and she lived with the fear that it could happen again. No child should have to live with those kinds of thoughts and it made Josh's blood boil as he thought about how unbelievable selfish his wife had been over the past six months.

He took Emma's face in his hands and pulled her down to place a reassuring kiss on her forehead. "It's going to be fine," he promised her. "No matter what happens, I'll make sure it's fine. I'll do anything I can to make sure you don't hurt anymore."

She reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him close to her. Their relationship as father and daughter hadn't started out the conventional way, that's for sure, but Josh felt on some emotional, spiritual level that God had always meant for this child to be his. He'd loved her from the first moment he'd laid eyes on her, with a ferocity that still surprised him. He'd even admit to being afraid when Natalie was born that that love he had, with his biological child, would somehow be different than his love for Emma. Deeper and stronger perhaps, but it wasn't. Josh realized that when he was holding his baby in his arms, the baby that had his brown eyes and that same dimple on her cheek, and looking over to his side to see Emma, beaming down at her newborn sister. It was a strange feeling he had then but it felt almost like his heart was expanding inside of him, growing to make room for both these little girls.

"I love you so much," he whispered into his daughter's ear, pulling her a little closer.

"I love you too," she said slowly, "but Daddy…?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you do to your closet?"

He craned his neck around to see what she meant. What he saw was his closet, half-filled with his clothing and other items. "I was organizing it," he explained. To that, Emma burst out a short snort of laughter that she tried to cover up. "What was that for?"

"You call that organized?" the child asked incredulously, getting up and standing in front of the closet, pushing stuff aside to see better.

"Well, its hard," Josh tried to defend himself, joining her. "You think you could do it better?"

She looked up at him with genuine sympathy in her eyes. "Daddy, I love you very, very much," she said patiently, "and you're a very smart man. But Daddy, Natty could do this better than you."

"What are you talking about?" he cried, slightly offended.

"Look at these shirts." She pointed to the garments hanging neatly in the closet.

"What's wrong with the shirts? They're all together in one spot so I can find them."

 There seemed to be an almost pained expression on her face as she shook her head. "You have them all bundled together instead of separated into sections."

"Into sections? What kind of sections?"

"First, you have to group them by type, like formal or business or casual. Then, you group each section into groups by color in alphabetical order. Then those colors are grouped by shades, like off white or beige and then you group those into sections by length or use. It's really not that hard," she explained, stepping up on a small footstool to reach the shirts and start getting things straightened out.

Josh stared at her warily, wondering if a pod person had somehow replaced his daughter without his knowledge. "Emma, sweetie? Where did you learn all this?"

"From Mommy," she said as she was concentrating on her task.

"Yet another reason why your mother needs a job of her own," he said under his breath.

"What's another reason?" Donna asked from the doorway. She eyed her husband carefully as she came in, carrying Natalie in her arms. The baby was squirming around in Donna's arms, tugging on her mother's hair or pulling on clothing, which Donna hardly noticed anymore.

"The crazy organization gene that seems to run among the female members of your family has reared its beautiful yet disturbing head in Emma," he said, gesturing to the child, as she was busy rearranging the closet. 

Donna raised an eyebrow at him. "And why is that a reason I need a job of my own?"

"Because…" he tried to stall, shoving his hands into his pockets. He cringed inwardly. "There's no good way for me to answer that and I should just shut up now right?"

"While taking this human jellyfish out of my arms," she finished, setting Natalie down so she could walk over to Josh, who promptly picked her up. She walked over to Emma and lifted her off the footstool. "And you, my mini little Martha Stewart, are going to help me set the table because the Chinese food just got here."

"Who's Martha Stewart?" the ever-inquisitive Emma asked as she and Donna left the room. "Is it good that I'm like her?"

"It's a good thing," Donna said in a fake Bostonian accent as she followed her. She turned back to Josh. "You coming?"

"Yeah, we'll be down in a minute."

"Okay." She peered into his closet and made a face. "Do me a favor though, Josh: Please, I beg of you, don't unpack anything else." She winked at him and left.

Josh just shook his head and chuckled quietly. It astounded him how he could just be so angry at her one minute and then the next he'd be falling in love with her all over again. Sometimes it made his head spin; sometimes it made him want to throw something against the wall in frustration. 

"Do all men on this Earth a favor, Natalie," he told the toddler, who was biting on his shirt collar. "Don't ever, ever date because if you're anything like your mother, you'll drive men out of their minds. Will you do that for me, honey, please?"

She looked as if she were seriously thinking about it for a second before she answered the way she always did to questions, no matter what they were: "No." 

He turned his up towards the ceiling. "Please God, let my genetics kick in sooner rather than later," he prayed jokingly before taking the baby downstairs.

Later that night, after the girls were tucked in and a good portion of the unpacking was done, Josh and Donna were getting ready for bed. Josh was brushing his teeth in the bathroom but what he was really doing was watching Donna in the reflection of the vanity of the mirror. She was sitting on their bed, applying lotion to the impossibly smooth skin of her arms. She was wearing her traditional nighttime apparel of a white tank top and flannel pajama bottoms and her hairs was swept up in a casual upsweep. 'She really doesn't know how beautiful she is,' he thought to himself with a smile. 'I can't believe she's my wife sometimes.' It was as he thought that that he stopped his brushing as he realized something else, something that hadn't really hit him before now. Quickly, he spit the foam out of his mouth and rinsed before walking back into their bedroom. 

Donna looked up at him, standing at the foot of their bed with an apprehensive look on his face. "What is it?" she asked as she put the lotion down on the bedside table.

"We haven't slept together in more than five months," he blurted out

"What?"

"We have not had sex in more than five months, Donna," he repeated as he walked around the bed and sat in front of her. 

"Oh come on, that isn't true," she said lightly, trying to put him off.

"Yes it is. The reason I know it is was because the last time we slept together was the night that Lily sent you that record," he argued. 'And I finally realized something was wrong but was too chicken shit to push you for an answer,' he berated himself. "In fact, to the best of my knowledge, we haven't even kissed since you've been back."  

"We've been busy, with work and the kids and moving back here from the city. So what's your point?" Donna asked, already knowing there was no way this conversation could end well.

"Well shouldn't we, you know, do something about it?" he asked timidly, gesturing his between them.

Donna pulled her knees up to her chest and stared at him thoughtfully. Slowly, she reached out to take his hand and weave her fingers through his. "It's been a long day," she finally said, not meeting his eyes. "And I think we're both tired so…"

"What is it really?" Josh interrupted her seriously. "Because I know it's not that."

"Josh, come on. It's been a long day, I'm exhausted…"

"Three weeks after you had Natalie and you weren't sleeping for more than an hour and half at a clip, you pulled me into the janitor's closet at the Hilton at that fundraiser," he countered. "And don't even get me started on all the sex we were having right here in this bed. Now what is it really?" He could see she was still hesitating so he tried a different tactic. He squeezed the hand he still held. "Donna, we promised we'd do it different this time." He could see by the look on her face that he'd hit a nerve. "We have to be honest with each other and ourselves to have a chance at making this work. Please tell me, I can take it."

Even though she didn't really want to tell him, she knew he was right about being honest so she answered him. "Before I left," she began slowly, "I was trying to get pregnant because I felt that if I had more children to love and care for, all those voices in my head that were telling me how nothing I did mattered anymore would just shut up. But after a few months passed and nothing happened, I just thought what the hell was the point? Not being able to get pregnant again was just another glaring example that I couldn't do anything right. And I wasn't feeling particular attractive emotionally or physically--"

"You are beautiful," he whispered, lifting his hand to her cheek and gently brushing it. "There is not a single part of you that isn't and I have never felt nor will I ever feel that way." Donna smiled at him softly and he felt so guilty, still, that she'd ever thought this about herself. He knew he was irrational, that he hadn't done anything to intentionally cause it, but it still cut him to the quick that he had waited so long to see it. He was going to make sure though that it would never happen again.

Without speaking, he released her and brought his hand up to her other cheek. Taking her face into his hands, he wiped away the nearly invisible sheen of moisture that was peeking out of her eyelids with his thumbs. When she closed her eyes, he took the initiative and leaned in closer to her face. Just as his lips were almost touching hers, when their breaths merged as one, he heard her whisper, "Don't," and then pull his hands off her face before leaning back against the headboard.

He turned away from her, snickering angrily as he felt months of sexual frustration radiating from his body. "And the record for the most days between sexual intercourse in the Lyman household has been extended," he murmured.

"It's not that I don't want to," she tried to tell him apologetically, eyes still closed.

"Then what the hell is it?"

"It's a lot of things, the first of which being I haven't taken the Pill in quite some time and the last time I checked, we didn't have a ready supply of condoms available. I think you'll agree with me that this is not a situation we want to bring a child into."

"So I actually get to be consulted on the number of children we get to have this time around as opposed to you deciding for us?" he asked sarcastically.

She turned away from him and got up from the other side of the bed. "If you're going to be a selfish jerk about this then--"

"I'm the selfish one?!" he cried out, going over to her. "You kidnap my daughters from me for nearly two months then abandon them to 'find yourself' and I'm the selfish one in this conversation?"

"Can we not go into this now?" she pleaded with him.

"Do you know what our daughter asked me today?" he said, ignoring her. "Emma asked me if this wonderful job you have doesn't make you happy, if you were going to leave again." He saw the intense pain that the statement caused her and a part of him wanted to comfort her but the other part that was still so angry at her was already on a roll. "She's terrified that if you become frazzled by some little thing, you'll leave again and you'll either drag her along with you or you'll leave her without saying goodbye. And you know what, Donna? I couldn't tell her that was ridiculous; I couldn't tell her that you'd never, ever leave her again because I don't know. I don't know what's going through your head anymore. All I know is that this family is sitting on a ticking time bomb and you're the one holding the detonator!" 

She stared at him evenly. "Josh, I want you to take a deep breath and calm down because until you do, I refuse to be in the same room with you," she instructed him, her tone soft but serious. 

Forcing himself to take deep breaths, he strode over to one of the walls and placed his back straight against it. While he was slowly calming down, Donna walked over to the balcony doors and stared out the glass at her property, her dream home; the place where she and Josh would raise their children and spend the rest of their lives together. 'Some dream,' she thought sadly.

"I'm better," she heard him say after a while, in a lighter tone than before. He didn't approach her and she didn't turn back to him.

"Are you going to apologize?"

"How can I if I think it's the truth?"

Donna swallowed back her tears, forcing herself to be strong and not crumble. "After all the begging I've done," she said, still looking out the window but not really seeing anything, "you just can't let it go can you?"

He was silent for a minute and she heard him come up behind her. She flinched slightly when he placed a hand on her shoulder but he didn't remove it. "Imagine the person you love most in this world rips your heart out of your body because it's the only way they can save themselves," Josh whispered into her ear. "They tear you down until you can't pick yourself up anymore and when you finally do, when you finally start to heal, they come back and that pain is there all over again. You'd understand eventually why they did it, sure, but it would take even longer to forgive them for it."

"So how can you be with someone if it takes so long to forgive them? How can you live with someone, raise a family with them, spend the rest of your life with them if a part of you can't forgive them?"

"Because your life is better with them than it could ever possibly without them," he replied, as he cautiously put his arms around her and hugged her to his chest.

There was nothing Donna wanted more at that moment than to just give herself completely to Josh; to let him fix her and take away all this pain and anxiety she felt inside of her. But she couldn't do that anymore; she had to put more faith into herself than she put into another man no matter how much she loved him.

"I was selfish, you're right about that," she replied, still letting him hold her. "But I have to be now. I have to have this job; I have to have this identity. Otherwise it's going to kill me, becoming someone I don't want to be; that I don't want our daughters to be." She turned to face him and took his hands in hers, placing them between the two of them. "I've loved you from the first moment I saw you and I'll love you every moment until my last. I want to make love to you every night in our bed; I want to raise Emma and Natalie to be the best of both of us; I want to do the same with every other child that God blesses us with; I want to stand beside you each and every election night as you give your victory speech; I want to be gazing at you adoringly when the Chief Justice swears you in on the Capitol steps; I want to die laying beside you at the same time you do because I don't want to live my life without you." She paused to take a deep breath. "But what I **need** right now is what I'm doing. I have to become the person I want to be because if I don't, we won't get to do any of those things together. I can only imagine what this is doing to you and the girls but I need to do it. And until I figure all this stuff out about me, I can't…" she trailed off, daring for the first time to look him in the eyes.

That was the problem, he didn't understand; he wanted to, very much, but he couldn't. He couldn't understand why his wife wouldn't let him honor his marriage vows to her. He'd promised to care for her through better or worse and now when they were facing the worst, she was trying to be strong all on her own. He'd be so proud of her if he weren't so pissed at her for it. 

"Josh," Donna whispered. "Please say something."

He didn't say a word; he just leaned in once again but this time, only a second after his lips touched her soft ones, he was the one to pull back. He took his hands out of her grip and gently rubbed her shoulders. "I've got some memos I want to read," he said almost inaudibly. He gave her arms one last squeeze and turned away, grabbing some folders from his bureau. When he reached the doorway, he paused. Staying where he was not facing her, he asked her, "Please figure all this stuff out soon."

As he left, Donna hugged herself although there was no chill and turned to look back out the doorway. "I'm trying," she told him, even though he could no longer hear her promise.   


	2. Chapter 2

Manhattan, New York: July 1, 2005 

**__**

"…So we have less than two months to go until we launch," Lily continued, walking around the large oak conference table were her staff sat, paying rapt attention to her. Well, almost everyone on her staff. "Let's get back to work people. Thank you very much." The staff began to disperse back to their collective offices or cubicles, except for one person.

Donna was gazing out the office window at the New York skyline, completely oblivious to the fact that the meeting was over, perhaps even to the fact that there had been a meeting to begin with. Lily walked over to her and waved a hand in front of her face. "Hello, Earth to Donnatella? Requesting landing coordinates for immediate re-entry?"

"Oh jeez!" Donna cried, as she was startled out of wherever she'd been daydreaming about in her mind. She turned to Lily and looked around at the now empty conference room. "Oh God, I am so sorry, Lily," she apologized profusely. "I didn't mean to space out like out. I'm sorry, it won't happen again,"

"It better damn well not," Lily replied sternly, frowning intently at Donna. Just when Donna thought that Lily was really angry with her, Lily gave her a wink and a smile. "My goodness, something really is bothering you. You haven't fallen for that one since the sixth grade." She glanced at her watch. "Let's go grab some lunch before your train leaves."

"Sounds good." The two women gathered their respective belongings and started to head out of the office. On the way out, they passed bustling staffers running around to try to get things done, phones constantly ringing, and layout designs and articles strewn over every available desk space. It was madness and chaos and could drive any sane person crazy. 

"But that's why we love it," Lily smiled when Donna told her all this as they were walking out of the building and into the heart of the city street. They linked their arms together and started walking to the local deli that they frequented when they were both in the city. "So," Lily said after a few minutes, "what's troubling you this week?"

"What always is: Josh and me," Donna told her tiredly. 

"I thought you said things were getting better with you guys?"

"Better than they were about three months ago when we were are on opposite sides of the country, yes; The way they were when we first got married, not so much." She shook her head. "I just don't know how to get through to him that I'm here to stay and that it won't be like it was before."

"That's your whole problem. He liked the way things were before you left," Lily explained. "I mean, of course he didn't like that you weren't happy but then he at least had his head buried in the sand. Now he knows what was wrong and he also knows that you aren't going to be there all the time to cater to his every need."

"He never said that's how he wants it to be, even before I left."

"Of course he doesn't say it; he probably doesn't even really think it but deep down that's what all men are like." They arrived at the deli and went inside. "From the start, men are shown, be it through their parents or the media or their friends, that they are in some way superior to women. They adopt this attitude, subconsciously or consciously, throughout the rest of their lives. And even the progressive, feminist ones still deep down inside of them harbor those feelings."

"That isn't Josh," Donna disagreed as they went to order. "He would never let our daughters think that about themselves."

"A daughter isn't the same as a wife," Lily countered as they moved forward in line. "Fathers want to give their kids every opportunity in the world, no matter what their gender. God forbid though that the wife want to have a life of her own outside the home."

"Where did you learn this crap?"

"Honey, I've lived this crap with my dad for as long as I can remember. Can I have a liverwurst and spinach on rye with a side of egg salad?" Lily asked the clerk, who gave her the same roll of the eyes she always received when placing that particular order.

"Chicken salad with a side of veggie pasta," Donna requested before turning back to her friend. "What are you talking about with your father? Most of his staff is women. Qualified, professional women I might add."

"But is he married to any of them? No."

"He's been married to two of them."

"Both of whom quit their jobs to spit out the demonic creatures that I'll have to split my inheritance with before he dumped them for the newest flavor of the month." They collected their food and went to sit down in a quiet booth in the corner.

Donna laughed lightly. "And you wonder why you have such trouble keeping a boyfriend," she said. She meant the comment to be a joke but when she looked up at Lily's face, she saw that her friend had taken it as anything but. "Lily, what is it?" Donna asked, concerned and troubled by the serious look Lily's face had taken. Then, she remembered what had happened in the office and she laughed. "Ha ha ha, very funny," she said picking up her fork and spearing a piece of chicken. "Too bad you already pulled the psyche out before we left or I might have been really worried something was wrong for a minute." 

"I'm gay, Donna," Lily blurted out as Donna started to swallow. The piece of poultry got caught in her throat as she processed what she'd just been told. She started couching furiously and motioned for Lily to pour her some water. She quickly did and handed the glass to Donna, who immediately downed it. When she finally recovered, she looked at Lily with wide, questioning eyes. "Yeah," Lily nodded, a small smile on her lips. "Surprise!"

"To say the least," Donna managed to get out, leaning back and looking, really looking at Lily for the first time in a while. "When…when did you…you know…know?" she fumbled, still absorbing the fact that her best friend in the whole world had gone through such a seemingly drastic change without her even noticing.

She shrugged, picking at her egg salad. "Probably always, according to my shrink," she said. "But I started embracing my homosexuality about a year ago."

"A year? A whole year?" Donna asked disbelievingly. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because I needed to deal with it and accept it myself before I forced it on anyone else." She reached over to take Donna's hand, an action that she'd done countless times before but one that now made Donna ever so slightly uncomfortable. "Can you understand that?"

"Ye…yeah," she mumbled, a thousand thoughts racing through her mind. "Is…is there…anyone that you're…?"

"I've been in love with someone for a long time now," she confirmed.

"Who?"

Lily smiled and squeezed her hand. "You."

Donna froze, her eyes bulging out of their sockets and breathing suddenly becoming very difficult to do. "Beg…beg pardon," she whispered, more than a little freaked out.

Lily let out a peal of laughter and dropped her head onto the tabletop as she struggled to heave in a breath. When she sat up again, tears were pouring down her cheeks. "Oh my God, I really can't believe you fell for that one!" she squealed.

Donna snatched her hand out of Lily's grip. "You immature, devious, manipulative--" she began to rant. But before she could let herself get infuriated, she felt her lips quirk upward and a snort of laughter escape her lips. As quickly as the anger had begun, it vanished and was replaced with hysterical giggles. Soon, both women were nearly doubled over with laughter, oblivious to the stares they were receiving from the other patrons. 

Finally, they both managed to calm down a little bit. Wiping at their eyes and taking in deep breaths, they were able to pull themselves together. "Oh that was marvelous," Lily said, still laughing a little. "I haven't laughed that hard since middle school when Ryan Olsen got excited in front of our entire human development class."

"Me neither," Donna said as she went to take a sip of water. Eventually they went back to their meal but as she was about to start eating again, she looked back up. "Lily seriously? Are you…?"

"Swinging from the other branch on the tree?" she asked. Sheepishly, she nodded before studying her sandwich.

"Wow," Donna sighed, putting a forkful of pasta in her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. "You could have told me, you know. It wouldn't have mattered a bit."

"Yeah, but I was serious before when I said I needed to deal with it myself before I told anyone." She smiled stupidly at her disgusting meal. "And I am seeing someone." 

"Really?" Lily nodded. "Who? Do I know hi…her?" she asked, stumbling a little.

"No you don't know her. We'd just started seeing each other a few months ago, when you went on sabbatical. She's great though. Her name's Hiroko and she's a fashion designer from Tokyo and she's got her own collection with Versace coming out this fall. You'll love her when you meet her."

"Is it serious?"

"Not yet but it has potential."

"Wow," Donna repeated, thinking of nothing better to say. She could tell that Lily was very happy about this relationship and because of that, Donna was happy for her. But this sudden shift in her friend's sexuality was going to take some getting used to. "Do your folks know?"

"I already told Catherine about it last Christmas."

"How'd she take it?"

"Well she got royally shit faced afterwards," Lily said, sipping some water, "so that either means she's bemoaning the fact that she'll never have biological grandchildren or she's insanely happy for me. Or she could have been spreading the Yuletide cheer or she could have--"

"Just been getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk?" Donna asked jokingly.

"Or that, yes," Lily grinned at her. "As for Daddy, I'm waiting for the right moment."

"When's that going to be?"

"I was thinking his birthday or perhaps Father's Day, sometime around then," she glibly replied.

Donna smiled at her, really smiled at her, for the first time since they'd arrived. "You, Ms. Lillian Amelia Irving, are the strangest creature I've ever had the pleasure of making my acquaintance," she told her, repeating a phrase they'd used as girls.

"And you, Mrs. Donnatella Igraine Lyman, are exactly the same as me, no matter how much you try to deny it."

"I should be so lucky," she replied soberly, reaching over herself and taking Lily's hand. "We all should be." Lily put her other hand over Donna's and with her eyes, told her how utterly grateful she was that Donna had taken the news as well as she had. Their friendship had survived a lot over the years and only grew stronger in adversity. Like the song said, they were islands in the stream; different yes, but somehow always the same. It was what all friendships should be like. 

After that discussion, the two ate the rest of their meal in tranquil silence. As they were cleaning up and getting ready to leave, something caught Donna's eye. Lily saw her face soften and a small smile form on her face. She turned to see what Donna was looking at and saw a group of women at the counter, crowded around something. Upon further inspection, Lily saw that it was a baby carrier they surrounded and they were all ogling the baby. She turned back to her friend and chuckled. "Got something you want to share?"

"What? Huh?" Donna said shaking herself out of whatever daydream she'd been in the middle of.

"What's that look for? You're eyeing that baby very suspiciously." She raised her eyebrows. "Should I be planning a baby shower anytime soon?"

"Lily, you already know way more about my sex life than I want you to," Donna told her, taking some bills out of her purse. "You know Josh and I haven't had sex in months. It's scientifically impossible for me to be pregnant."

"Yeah, but see I'm thinking that snooze button you hit on your biological clock is primed to go off any minute now. Am I wrong?" Donna gave her a look that basically read, 'What do you think?'. "Awww," she cooed sweetly. "That's great."

"What is so great about that?" Donna asked impatiently, getting out the booth.

Lily got up to follow her out of the deli. "You want to have a baby again, don't you?"

"What makes you think that?" she asked as the strode down towards the entrance to the subway that would take them to Grand Central Station so Donna could catch the shuttle back to Hartford.

"I've seen that look on your face right before you got pregnant with both Emma and Natalie," she explained as they boarded the subway car and found seats. "The face doth not lie, Donnatella."

"You don't understand, Lily."

"Understand what?"

She struggled to control both her emotions and her patience. Lily had inadvertently touched upon a subject that Donna did not want to deal with right now. "I'm trying to re-build my marriage, which I almost destroyed because of what I wanted and needed," she tried to explain. "Josh and I…it's still a challenge to be civil with one another sometimes. I'm trying to regain his trust and my daughters' trust. I'm starting a career and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I cannot have a baby in the middle of all this, no matter if I want to or not."

"But you do want to, don't you? That's the problem, isn't it?"

Donna looked down at her hands and whispered her answer so softly that Lily barely heard her over the roar of the train, "Yes." She couldn't explain it to herself or really to anyone for that matter but something inside her wanted a child. It wasn't the part of her that had wanted a baby for the selfish reasons of earlier that year; it was the part of her that looked at her daughters and saw what beautiful creations she had helped to bring into this world, saw how much they'd brought into her life and the lives of the others around her. She wanted to hold that innocent little body in the crook of her arm and watch it grow into an amazing human being. It was a feeling that came from the deepest part inside of her, the purest part of her soul. The part of almost every woman that motherhood calls upon to grant the safe harbor of life into the world. But it was a part she couldn't afford to listen to right now.

Lily nodded in understanding. She paused tactfully before continuing, "You were working two jobs and living in a studio apartment when you had Emma. You almost died a few months before you got pregnant with Natalie. Your circumstances were never ideal but you forged ahead, despite all the obstacles, and now you have two beautiful girls that some women can only dream of having."

"No," Donna shook her head, trying to block out Lily's words of hope, hope she felt she didn't deserve right then. "No, it's not fair to Josh or the girls right now."

"Do you think that Josh wouldn't be overjoyed to have another child with you? Or that the girls wouldn't love to have another sibling in their lives? You don't give them enough credit."

"I took months from them, Lily. I took months from my girls and from my husband; I have to repair those relationships before I can even think of having another baby, no matter how much I want to."

"Then stop making it so hard on yourself and on them," Lily advised her. "Stop taking this slow and steady. Yes, your family has problems and issues they need to resolve. But you're forgetting something."

"And that is?"

"They love you, Donna. Josh, Emma, and Natalie love you very much and they want to forgive you and trust you again. You just have to let them is all." She rubbed Donna's shoulder in support. "Now I'm not saying you should go home and start charting your ovulation cycles and all that just yet; I'm saying you need to forgive yourself before they can start to forgive you. And I think if you ask them, they'll give you their blessing to do that."  

Donna snickered to herself. "Is this insight something that goes along with coming out of the closet or can you bottle whatever you've been drinking and send me a case?"

"It's the secret of lesbians everywhere, darling. We're not allowed to break the inner circle." She leered playfully at Donna. "But it's not too late if you want to switch teams. I've made lots of new and interesting friends this past year."

Donna scrunched up her face in mock consideration. "Thanks but no thanks. I'm afraid I've been spoiled."

Lily giggled. "He's that good, huh?"

"You have no idea," Donna replied huskily, arousal coating her body just thinking bout what a wonderful lover her husband was. Even though she hadn't been enjoying the benefits of married life for quite some time, she had a long memory.

"Oh just go home and jump him why don't you," Lily instructed her.

"That's starting to sound really good, you know." She sighed tiredly. "But I can't because I have to…"

"…Regain his trust, I know, I know. Man am I glad I got out of the hetero game when I did." The two friends laughed and spent the rest of their ride joking with each other, like nothing had really changed in their relationship. But that was always how they handled things as friends: face a problem, deal with it, and move on. If only her martial problems could be solved this simply.

When she'd returned home that night, after she'd said goodnight to the girls, she wandered around through the house until she came into the living room. She found Josh there sitting on the sofa, stacks of memos and letters all around him. "What are you doing?"

"Toby sent up some things that arrived at the main office that apparently require my immediate attention, and the good citizens of Connecticut have seen fit to inundate me with their complainants of what I'm doing wrong after only about six months on the job." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "This had better get easier to deal with, that's all I'm saying."

"It will," Donna told him, as she went to walk over to the mantle. You'll get better at this, don't worry."

"We better both pray that I do. But enough about me, how was New York? Were the meetings okay?" he asked, still focused on his readings.

"Yeah they were fine." She glanced over at him, engrossed in his memos. "Lily's gay, you know."

"That's nice," he mumbled disinterestedly. After a few seconds his head shot up. "Huh?"

"Lily's gay," Donna informed him. "She told me so this afternoon."

"Like…gay? As in a lesbian?" he asked, still befuddled and confused. "For how long?"

"About a year now she said. I thought she might have been joking around when she started hitting on me but--"

"Excuse me?!" Josh cried as he got up from his seat to face her. "What the hell do you mean she was hitting on you? You're married for God sakes! Does she have absolutely no respect for that whatsoever?"

"Josh, she was kidding!" Donna laughed at him. "Not about being gay but about wanting to run off into the sunset with me." She smiled softly at him and reached up to rub his arm. "But it's nice to know you still care."

He averted his eyes from her even though her gesture warmed him. As much as he wanted for things to be okay again, he didn't know what Donna wanted and until he did know what her intentions really were, opening himself up to her was something he couldn't afford to do. He cleared his throat and went back over to the sofa, picking up a memo but not really seeing what he reading. "So she's really a lesbian?" he asked brusquely.

Donna massaged the back of her neck to try to ease the tension in it. Part of her understood why Josh pushed her away but the other part was disappointed nonetheless. "With a girlfriend and everything. Pretty weird huh?"

"You can say that again," he said, shaking his head and going back to his work.

She could see that Josh was focused and didn't want to discuss Lily anymore. Or possibly them, so she decided to let it go for the night. "I'm going to head up to bed now," she told him.

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Night." She walked over to the door but stopped short of walking out. Remembering her conversation with Lily earlier that day and feeling a resolve surge through her, she impulsively turned back to him. "Josh?"

"Yeah?" he said, still looking at his papers.

"Is it alright if I forgive myself?"

He didn't look at her for a second before turning to her with a perplexed expression on his face. "What do you mean?"

"Is it alright if I forgive myself for what I did to you and the girls?" she elaborated. "I think if I can forgive myself then maybe I can start to trust myself again. So then you guys can trust me again." She looked him straight in the eye, not even trying to mask her apprehension. "So is it okay?"

"Why do you need my permission?"

"Because I love you and if you say it's alright for me to forgive myself, than I'll believe you and I'll know it's okay."

He pursed his lips and stared down at the coffee table, with the look he had whenever he was deciding something that would deeply affect many people. Which is what he was doing, really; if he said Donna could stop paying her penance, then everything in their family would shift in the direction of healing and things could be good again. But if he said no, which he very well might, it meant that he hadn't even started to forgive her yet either. But either way, Donna needed to know where exactly she stood with him.

Josh thought about all the possibilities his answer would entail. Whatever he said, it would either save or destroy his family. His heart told him that she was making a peace offering here and that he should jump on it before she changed her mind but his mind was reminding him of the agonizing weeks away from his children and how angry he was with her still because of it. It was so hard just getting through each day that Josh just wanted to throw his hands up and have it be done with. He imagined that those thoughts made an appearance in her mind too and yet here she stood, asking for his permission to let their family start to heal.

After the silence had enveloped them for the better part of five minutes, when Donna thought she'd explode with anxiety, Josh finally looked over at his wife and simply said," Do what you have to do, Donna." He looked back down at his memos as Donna held her breath until her husband continued, "Just know that I'm here with you."

Sighing in relief she started to head back upstairs when another urge overcame her. Walking back to where Josh sat, she gently tilted his face up to hers and ever so softly brushed her lips against his own. She heard him suck in a deep breath before she pulled back to whisper, "Thank you." Caressing his face as she slowly released it, she slipped out of the room, leaving a slightly puzzled husband in her wake. What she didn't get the chance to see was her husband smiling, really smiling, for the first time in months.

"It's really going to be okay," he said to himself, almost disbelievingly, so not to tempt Fate anymore than they already had.


	3. Chapter 3

New Haven, Connecticut: August 14, 2005 

**__**

"That's my girl, Emma, you keep going!" 

"You can do it, baby!

"Zigzag, Emma! Don't just keep going straight!"

"C'mon Emma!"

"You're doing great out there!"

"Watch out for that other player!"

"Just keep having fun, honey!"

"Emma, keep your man away from the ball! Head butt him if you have to, just keep covering him!" The seven other adults in the group turned to look over at the culprit. Instead of looking guilty, T.J. Moss kept watching the ongoing action of the game until he felt the stares of his companions. "What did I say?" he turned and asked them all innocently.

"That's it," his wife, Ellie, replied. "Shawn isn't allowed to play sports until he moves out of the house."

"The whole group of them is straggling all over the field!" he argued, referring to the group of children playing soccer in front of them. They were watching Emma's junior team play another team from the league in a friendly yet surprisingly competitive game of soccer. "They're not covering the offense, they're playing a zone defense when they should be playing one-on-one, they're passing schemes are ludicrous, they're line formation is a joke, they're--"

"They're seven year-olds, T.J.!" Donna explained laughingly. "You expect them all to be the next David Beckham?" 

Feeling a bit foolish and not having any good response, he turned back to the game. "I'm just trying to help," he huffed, a little miffed.

"Well do us all a favor and, you know, don't," Toby instructed him, turning the video camera back to the field. Josh had apparently decided that among Toby's duties as C.o.S was taping Emma's soccer game that weekend when they'd invited a group of friends and family down to Langley House. They included Toby and Nicole, T.J. and Ellie, and Bobby Harrington and his wife, Helen.

"Hey Toby shouldn't you be careful? I mean you are outside in the sunlight after all. Aren't you afraid any minute you'll turn into a big ole pile of dust?" T.J. shot back sarcastically.

"Bite me," Toby replied, not looking at him.

"Nice comeback, man," Bobby added, patting Toby's shoulder.

"Can we all stop fighting in front of the small children of strangers and save it for later, like at family get-togethers and such?" Josh asked of them. 

"Sure," Toby drawled. "But can you also not piss off forty-two percent of your constituency by saying that social security funding should take precedence over national security funding?"

"I did not say that!" Josh disagreed vehemently. "I said that now that we are not living in a time of immediate war, spending four hundred billion a year on defense did not make as much sense as endowing social security funding to last through the next two generations."

"Well who's to say we're not in a time of immediate war, of an immediate danger from a terrorist threat?" Bobby challenged politely. "The Middle East has been a constant war zone for hundreds of years, with no clear end in sight. The argument could easily be made that America's continued involvement in preemptive strikes is the only thing that's keeping this war from spilling over onto our own soil. What do you have to say about that?"

"You're a Democrat!" Toby and Josh both exclaimed in rebuttal.

"Is it possible for you guys to not talk about politics for five minutes or would that just be asking too much?" T.J. asked the older men. He looked behind Josh to the shady trees on the other end of the field. "Uh oh."

"What?" 

He pointed past them until the other three looked in that direction. From their spots, they could make out that their wives and/or partners had huddled under the trees with some lawn chairs, away from the four of them and their juvenile arguing. "We did it again. Ellie's gonna yell at me later."

"I'd take her over Nicole any day," Toby said, shaking his head.

"Oh come on, it's not that bad," Bobby scoffed. "At least if you've got a comfortable leather couch imported from Spain to sleep on when your woman puts you in the doghouse."

"Why do we always end up arguing over stupid things when we get together?" T.J. thought out loud.

"I think it's that damn 'Y' chromosome, personally," Bobby answered. He glanced back over at the woman. "What do you suppose they talk about when they're alone?"

"Do you really want be burdened with that kind of knowledge?" Toby asked him in reply.

"I'm just curious is all," he defended himself.

"You know what they say about curiosity, right Bobby?" T.J. asked.

"It killed the cat?"

"And neutered the man," Toby concluded. The three men shared a raucous laugh over that simple fact before Josh interrupted them.

"Do you guys mind? I'm trying to watch my kid out there."

"No you're not," Bobby contradicted. He pointed back over to the women, at one particular blonde that was watching Josh intently. "You're just trying to not get in any more trouble with your wife by fraternizing with the likes of us."

"I am a master at multitasking," Josh simply said, staring straight ahead at the game.

"He's multitasking," Donna told her group of companions, which included her sister, her sister-in-law, and one of her good friends. They'd also brought with them their remaining children, which included Natalie and Ellie and T.J's son, Shawn. Helen's seven year-old son, Freddie, was visiting his grandparents in Atlanta for the weekend.

"What do you mean?" Ellie asked her while trying to feed her son some applesauce.

"Josh," she elaborated, "is multitasking. You see, he's watching the game, yes. But he's at the same time also jerking around with the rest of the guys while trying to look like he's not so I don't yell at him later for not paying attention to the game like we are."

"He looks like he's pretty good at it," Helen commented, leaning back a little into her chair.

"He is. But I'm also better at spotting it." She smiled down at her nephew as he tried to bat away the spoon his mother was trying to wedge in between his closed lips. She could see Ellie was getting frustrated with the task so she reached over to take the spoon. "Let me try something." Ellie gladly handed over the spoon and Donna went to kneel in front of the boy. "Come over here, Natalie," she said to her almost two year-old daughter. The child crawled across the blanket they'd spread out to her mother's lap. Donna pulled her up and held the spoon in front of her mouth. "Let's show your cousin what a big girl you're getting to be by trying a little bit of this applesauce, sweetie." She gently moved the spoon closer to the girl and after the child had inspected it for a moment, she opened her mouth wide and let her mother place the food in her mouth, all the while sixteen month-old Shawn watched in fascination. When Natalie swallowed, Donna reached over to kiss her button nose. "That's my good girl, sweetie. You are such a big girl now," she cooed to the giggling child. Nodding to Shawn's awestruck face, she handed the spoon back over to Ellie and instructed, "See what happens now." And after Ellie had wiped off the utensil and put another spoonful of applesauce in front of Shawn, he readily opened his mouth to be fed. 

"That is a nifty trick," Ellie said with admiration as her son ate. "Where'd you pick that one up?"

"From our grandmother," Nicole answered for her, grinning behind her sunglasses. "Our mom could never get Donna to eat anything when she was a baby, so Mena showed her this trick where you feed an older child the same food in front of the younger child and for some reason it always worked on Donna." She grimaced slightly. "You have no idea how many spoonfuls of mashed carrots and green beans I had to eat as a child."

"Did it work for T.J.?" his wife asked.

"Oh that boy just eats anything you put front of him." That garnered a chuckle from the other woman as they thought of how true that statement was of most men, theirs included.

"Too bad I won't get to try this trick out for awhile," Ellie said, wiping Shawn's mouth.

Donna looked over at her curiously. "You mean you and T.J. don't want more kids?" she asked as she turned back to watch her daughter's game.

"No, we do," she corrected her. "Just not right now. We want to wait until I'm at least done my residency before we even start discussing it." She set her son down so he could play with his cousin. "Besides, he's enough for us right now. I'm working crazy hours at the hospital and T.J.'s hopping all around the world with National Geographic. It works fine with just Shawn but with two kids, one of us would have to give up our careers and we're not ready to do that now."

"That's understandable," Helen approved, her agreement coming from experience. "I had an attending position at Atlanta General all lined up before I got pregnant with Freddie and after I had him, I took a year off for maternity leave. Bobby couldn't leave the A.A.F.O. right then because he'd just gotten promoted to Assistant Director so my career got put on hold." She took a sip of lemonade before continuing, "Now don't get me wrong, I don't regret it in the least. I love my kids but I also made the conscious choice to not have any more after Freddie because I didn't want to lose another opportunity in my work."

"This is why I've never had kids," Nicole added. "I'm way too career oriented to be anyone's mother. My only mistake was that my ex-husband did not share those same sentiments."

"That's why you guys got divorced?" Ellie asked, leaning forward a little. "He wanted kids and you didn't; it's usually the other way around."

"Plus there was the whole fact that Kyle had another wife in his home country of Germany and neglected to tell his American wife that," Donna added, nudging her sister's knee with her elbow.

"That too," Nicole concurred with a smile. "But never let it be said that the Moss women have always gotten in right on the first time out."

"And the second time around?" Helen teased.

Nicole glanced back over at Toby, still filming while engaging in some sort of debate with her brother. "I think I got it right this time," she declared softly. "I love him and he loves me. We both have our careers and our families and friends and our own identities. We neither need nor want to be saddled down by marriage and kids. It works for us." She looked down at her niece and nephew, playing quietly together on the blanket and at Emma, who was still running around on the field. "Anyways, I'm a much better aunt than I ever would be a mother."

"You would be a great mother, Nicole," Ellie disagreed strongly. "I have total faith in that."

"Well I appreciate the thought, but Toby and I don't want to put in the time and effort it takes to conceive a baby at our age let alone raise one."

"I want to have a baby," Donna suddenly blurted out from her spot on the ground. The other three looked at her in surprise and she ducked her head in embarrassment. "What? I do."

"When did this happen?" her sister asked. 

"A couple months ago, I guess," Donna shrugged. She played with some grass nervously as she avoided looking at the curious stares of the others. "I can't even really explain it but I do. Lately, anytime I see a baby anywhere, my heart just wells up and I want nothing more in the world than to hold a baby, my baby, in my arms again. Is that so wrong?"

"Of course not," her sister-in-law said, reaching over to rub her shoulder supportively. "I think it's great. Just because the rest of us don't want kids right now doesn't mean you can't."

"You never were one to follow the pack, Donnatella," Nicole added.

"Are you sure this is a good time for you to be thinking about this?" Helen asked kindly, remembering how Donna had once told her she'd like to have a baby for somewhat less than pure reasons before she left Josh. "I mean, you're my friend and I want you to be happy, but your marriage just took a major hit to its foundation. Add to that the fact that you're starting a new job and Josh's job is highly demanding, plus you already have two young children…" she trailed off when she saw the downcast look Donna's face had taken. "I don't mean to be so negative, Donna. I'm just trying to be realistic."

"No you're right, Helen," Donna told her, reaching over to stroke her daughter's fine brown hair. "This is a horrible time to have a baby or to even be thinking about having one. I just can't seem to stop."

"What does Josh say about all this?" Nicole asked her.

"We haven't talked about it," she admitted.

"You haven't…Oh God Donna," Nicole groaned in irritation. "Have you learned nothing at all from the past six months? Don't you realize you're doing it all over again?"

"No Nicole, why don't you explain it to me using small words and pictured diagrams," she said defensively, turning back to her. "It is my life, can you just let me live it?"

"You're keeping secrets from your husband and you're not telling him how you really feel," she pointed out. "Care to take a guess how this one plays out for the whole family?"

"All right let's just cool down," Helen mediated, getting between the sisters. "This is a stupid thing to fight over, let's just be mature and rational about this."

"Yes ladies, let us not turn into them," Ellie said, jerking her head back towards the men. "Donna, Nicole is only trying to help you out; Nicole, Donna is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. Can we all agree on that?" The two sisters nodded grudgingly. "Good, now can you guys apologize and have that be that?"

"Sorry," Nicole said sincerely after a minute.

"Me too," Donna repeated. She sighed wistfully. "You don't need to worry about the baby thing though. That's probably not going to happen for quite some time."

"Why do you say that?" Ellie asked.

Donna looked back at the men. Josh was still multitasking, watching the game but also having what looked to be a serious discussion with Toby. "It doesn't feel like we're married right now," she stated sadly. "There's no kissing or touching or inside jokes or genuine happiness that lasts more than a minute or two at a time with us. Everything's just so hard between us now that there's no real room for the love to…" she sighed again, looking back over at Emma's game as the conversation started to drain on her. "It just doesn't feel like we're married anymore."

"It doesn't feel like we're married right now," Josh told Toby glumly, as he looked over at Donna, who was watching the game.

"What does that mean?" Toby asked, turning away from the camera to look at his friend. When he saw that Josh seemed less than willing to answer, he handed the camera over to T.J.. "Here, young one, take this and don't point it at attractive women's behinds because your wife will probably see it." He turned back to Josh. "Again I ask, what does that mean?"

"It means just that. There's no laughing, no cooking together, no real romance; there's nothing there anymore, it just all got muddled up somehow and we can't find it. I mean, I love her more than anything on this Earth but we can't get it together enough to ride this out."

"Wow, that kind of emotionless intensity must make sex really interesting," Bobby chimed in.

Josh looked at him like he was an idiot. "Bobby, we're not having sex," he explained patiently.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because in a marriage, when the spouses are arguing with each other, sex is usually not a high priority."

"Well, you've never been married like me before, I guess," Bobby reasoned before he furrowed his brow and looked at Josh strangely. "I thought you said you guys weren't fighting a lot anymore?"

"We're not really fighting per say," Josh declared reluctantly.

"Then what the hell's the problem?" Toby rejoined the conversation.

Looking over his shoulder to make sure no one else was paying attention, Josh whispered, "She says she doesn't feel comfortable doing…that right now."

Toby looked slightly nauseated from thinking about that but Bobby was as nosy as an elderly next-door neighbor. "You mean physically she's not…comfortable?"

"No, no! I mean emotionally," Josh replied, craning his neck as he felt more awkward by the second discussing this with his friends.

"Why not?"

"What the hell is this, Twenty Questions About Josh's Sex Life?" he asked disbelievingly.

"I'm just trying to help you out, man," Bobby tried to defend himself. 

"I understand and I'm grateful for it," Josh told him. "I'm just frustrated with everything that's going on and I'm not looking forward to going back to the city if this is what's waiting for me there. She's just been so hot and cold lately, it's driving me insane."

"Do you know what's bothering her now?" Toby rejoined the conversation.

 "Damned if I know. I don't know anymore if it's from lack of interest or if she's mad at me for some reason, or if she just doesn't want to…" He rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. "I can't read her the way I used to. I used to be able to tell what she was thinking or feeling before she even did sometimes. Now, every time I think I'm getting somewhere with her, like I've finally gotten through to her, she just pulls back a little more. It's like I've already won the prize but then I get disqualified on the podium."  

"Kind of like the ball rolling through Buckner's legs right into left field at the '86 World Series," Toby added his wisdom.

"I still think you're just crazy," Bobby said. "I don't care how angry I was at her, if I had a wife with a body like Donna's I'd--"

"Okay, I'm going to come into this conversation right now to clarify a few things," T.J. interrupted, eyes still focused into the camera lens. "Number 1: Toby, Buckner was playing first base in the '86 World Series, ergo, the ball rolled into right field. Number 2: Bobby, I've got like ten years and hundred pounds on you so I'd stop and think if I were you before any other sentence with the words, 'Donna' and 'body' come out of your mouth. Number 3: Josh, my sister loves you with everything she is worth and more. She'd do anything in this world to take back what she did to you, as I'm sure she's said numerous times, but she can't. So she hurt you? Well guess what, when two people love each other they also tend to hurt each other. Not intentionally or with malice but because when you love someone, you open yourself up to it. Now bear in mind, Josh, I still don't like you. I feel one day you're going to hurt my sister the way all the men in her life besides me have and when that day comes, I'll pummel your ass into oblivion. For now though, she wants to be with you so I'll do something that goes against my better judgment and give you a little advice: Donna loves you and you love her; yes, you are still mad at her and even I'll admit that it's justified. But ask yourself this: is this hurt and self-loathing you've got going on worth sacrificing your entire marriage over? I believe if you think about it carefully, you'll find that it's not."

Josh gaped at his brother-in-law, as did his companions, with a bit more respect and admiration than he'd had before. T.J. had been able to put aside his differences with Josh long enough to help him start to see a possible solution to his problem. Donna had already started to forgive herself for what she'd done; now Josh needed to do the same thing for himself. 

"Thanks," Josh replied a bit dumbstruck, still kind of in shock at the source and usefulness of the advice. He went over to pat T.J. on the shoulder in a friendly fashion. "I really appreciate that coming from you."

"Don't take it personally," snarked T.J., annoyed, shrugging himself away from Josh, clearly showing that some things will never change. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," he suddenly started babbling as he kept watching the game. He pointed out to the field, gesturing wildly and crying out, "Emma's got the ball! She's got the ball!"

Turning swiftly, Josh saw his daughter kicking the ball ahead of herself as she tried to dodge the assault of seven and eight year-old bodies coming her way. "Go Emma!" Josh shouted with renewed zeal as she got closer and closer to the goal. "You can do it, you're almost there!"

"Come on, baby!" he heard another voice yell right next to him. Peeking over, he saw that an energized Donna had run over from her spot to get a better look of their daughter as she made her way across the field, as Emma darted around everyone with a look of excitement and sheer terror stitched across her face. Moving left and right and then left again, Emma just kept moving forward, leaving a trail of other children in her wake. Finally, getting as close to the goal line as possible, she pulled her right leg back and let loose a mammoth kick that allowed the ball to sail flawlessly into the net as she watched in amazement as she scored the winning goal.

"Yes!" Josh cried, raising his arms in a 'V' for victory, pride seizing him with an iron grip as he watched his daughter revel in the thrill of winning surrounded by the cheers of her teammates. Emma's group of adult fans in the crowd were going crazy for the young girl and beside him, his wife was hooting and hollering with the fanaticism only a parent can.

"Oh my God, Josh did you just see that?" she asked, turning to him, her blue eyes radiant with joy. "She scored a goal! Our little scored her first goal; I can't believe it! Were you taping it? Please tell me you were taping because she's gonna want to see this and--"

Josh cut her off before she could continue by firmly planting his lips on hers and pulling her tight against him. Gently probing his tongue into her mouth, he kissed her like he'd never kissed her before, with a force and passion tinged with such gentleness that Donna was thankful Josh was holding her upright. After a minute, her arms went to wrap around his neck and tug him down further to her. Eventually, oxygen became an issue and they separated, not leaving the other's gaze.

"Josh?" she finally breathed out, her cheeks inflamed and glowing. "What was that--?"

"Mommy! Daddy! I made a goal, I made a goal!" Emma shouted as she made a beeline for her parents, unaware of the amorous and the more than slightly dazed expressions that painted both their faces. Pulling away from Donna shakily, Josh reached down to scoop the girl into his arms, the mud and dirt covering her be damned. "I did it! I really, really did it!"

"You sure did, honey," he said as kissed her on the cheek as she wrapped herself around him. "I'm so proud of you." Donna looked on at them, at the giddiness both were exuding, and at the expression on Josh's face: the dimples were out in full force and that spark that was dancing behind Josh's eyes; a spark she couldn't remember seeing in quite some time; a spark that she could feel was mirrored in her own eyes.

"Mommy! Mommy, did you see?" her daughter broke her out of her trance. "We won the game! My team won the game! We won!"

"We sure did," Donna whispered, stroking her daughter's cheek as she gazed into her husband's eyes. Josh reached up and wrapped his hand around hers, kissing the inside of her palm as he shared a look of contentment with his wife. "We sure did."


	4. Chapter 4

Langley House: August 31, 2005 

**__**

"I understand that Senator Davenport, yes I do," Josh said seriously. He was sitting behind his desk as the late summer moonlight cast a bluish glow in his study. He'd been on the phone for a better part of an hour now, after he'd received some startling news. "Yes sir, I will. Thank you very much, I'll have my office set up a meeting with you this week…Goodnight Senator." Slowly hanging up the phone, Josh rubbed his face and leaned back into his chair, emotionally wrung-out and physically elated all at once. 'This is the opportunity I've been waiting for,' he thought to himself as he got up and began rhythmically pacing around the room, trying to burn off his spare energy. Finally satisfied, he bounded out the room and hustled down the hallway until he got to the kitchen and ground to a halt.

"Hey, you're alive," Donna chirped pleasantly, not turning around to look at him as she continued to wash the dishes from dinner that evening. They'd had some of their neighbors over to enjoy their last weekend meal in Connecticut until winter, most likely. The Wyldes' were a charming young couple with a daughter about Emma's age and had invited Emma over to spend the night at their home so Josh and Donna could have a relatively quiet evening at home, something they hadn't gotten the chance to do in quite some time. "I was about to file for your Social Security benefits--"

"Which go to my daughters," he informed her.

"Damn it," she mocked disappointingly. "Note to self: cancel original plan of Josh's elaborate shower death and resign self to a hundred more years with husband." She glanced over her shoulder and gave him a smile, noticing how he was leaning casually against the doorframe in classic Josh form: Arms folded, feet crossed, and that cocky half smile he reserved just for her. It made her body tingle all the way down to her toenails and she turned away before she jumped him while covered in dish detergent. "So I take it that phone call provided you with some good news?"

"Yes indeedy, my darling dearest," he grinned at her at her figure, admiring the curves that her pale blue sundress hugged in all the right places.

"Well…?" 

"Well what?"

"Are you just gonna make me guess or will you save us both some time and just say--?"

"Gabe DeWitt thinks that blacks have made it a priority to rob white American youths of a proper college education," he blurted out, catching her slightly off guard.

Donna snorted loudly. "Gabe DeWitt is a white Southern male Senator from Mississippi who was elected in 1968 and has voted against Affirmative Action funding every chance he gets," she replied, still scrubbing a pan. "Of course he thinks that. Why is that the reason you're over there grinning like a fool?"

"Because he said it to _Jackson Star_, in an article that's gong to break nation-wide tomorrow," Josh boasted, moving to grab onto the top of the doorframe as if he were hanging from it.

Donna immediately stopped her washing and whirled around to face him. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, no, no Donnatella, this is for really real." He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Hoynes is publicly condemning him tomorrow morning after which Senator DeWitt shall end his reign of twelve long and arduous years as the House Majority Leader."

"And you're so ecstatic about this that you've forgotten proper English?" she sassed him sweetly.

"That and because they've already selected a new Majority Leader." 

"Already? Isn't that pretty fast if he hasn't even stepped down yet?" Donna asked, turning back to the dishes.

He shrugged casually. "DeWitt is nearly eighty years old; they've had someone in their back pocket for awhile in case something happened to him," he explained. "Guess who the Republicans have selected as their new leader?"

"You?" she razzed him playfully.

"Davenport," he said, stretching the name out. "Senator Richard P. Davenport of North Dakota

"Wait a minute," she turned back to him again. "The same Davenport who's Alzheimer's initiative you got pushed into the Bartlet Healthcare Reform Act? That Richard P. Davenport."

"The one in the same," he told her, stepping closer to her but stopping about halfway there. "I just got off the phone with him; DeWitt's being reassigned to a less visible committee and on Monday morning when we get back, he's announcing that I get DeWitt's seat on Foreign Relations." The assignment was a plumb one for Josh and he'd been fighting to get the next open seat since he'd arrived in the Senate. It wasn't considered a glamorous committee because of the lack of money involved, but it dealt directly with world issues, something Josh would need experience with if he hoped to go higher than the Capitol Building.

He'd personally been beyond thrilled when he'd received Davenport's phone call, but now, as he stood there spewing his good news, he couldn't help but wonder if his wife would feel the same way. Of course, she'd be happy for him because she loved him, but would she be happy for what this meant for the big picture, the really big picture? Happy that the real groundwork was starting to be laid for his shot at the Presidency? Happy for the added attention they'd receive in Washington and in the press? All of a sudden, these thoughts, coupled with his wife's silence and vague expression, pressed on his mind.

"Donna, if you don't want me to--" he started to tell her but was cut off when she reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You're really serious?" she whispered excitedly in his ear, her wet and soapy hands holding him close. "You're not just messing with me, this is really gonna happen on Monday?"

"Ye…Yeah," he stumbled, a little surprised at her apparent happiness. "You're okay with all this though?"

"Of course I am," she pulled back and looked at him. "Why wouldn't I be? This is great for you and for us!" She squealed gleefully and launched herself at him again. "Oh this is fantastic!"

"Yes it is," he smiled, pulling her closer. He inhaled the scent of Lysol mixed with the scent of lilac shampoo that permeated from her. Softly stroking his hands up and down her back, he felt her body undulate slightly under his touch. Donna closed her eyes, the smile gone from her face as Josh gently caressed her, her excited giggles replaced by her ever-harshening breathing.

This touch, this closeness, was the most intimate they had been in quite some time. After their magnetic kiss on the soccer field more than two weeks ago, they'd both been treading carefully around the subject of lovemaking. Naturally they were more passionate and playful with one another, but they had yet to take that big leap, neither willing to risk the trust of the other that they'd just recently regained.  But what was life without risks?

"Donna," Josh murmured into her hair, stopping his stroking so he could pull back slightly to look at her face. Happily noting her unhappy moan that resulted when he stopped, he held her close as he leaned his face forward until their noses were touching and their breaths fused together in a harmonic symphony. Looking deep into her eyes, seeing her dilated pupils and tints of green mixing with blue, he closed the gap between them, planting a tender but firm kiss on her waiting lips.

"Mmm," she groaned against his lips, tilting her head back slightly and bringing her hands up to his brown curls to try to entice him to deepen the kiss. It wasn't a hint that went unnoticed; within milliseconds, Josh grasped the sides of her hips and tugged her closer, pushing his tongue inside her mouth, almost tasting the passion they had deprived themselves of for too long. Like always, Donna gave as good as she got, mischievously twisting her own tongue around his and almost fondling his neck in a way she knew would drive him crazy.

This is what had been missing all those months, this was the affirmation they both needed yet couldn't speak; this is what had brought them together in the first place, not politics or friendship or illness or even a toe-haired little girl. This pure, unadulterated, passionate lust that a person can only feel with their soul mate; not the cheap kind that only lasts a few nights or weeks but this true one that lasts a lifetime. This is why they were meant to be together.

Feeling like they could go on for hours like this, playing this simple game of tonsil hockey, Josh bent down slightly as he kept kissing his wife and lifted her up into his arms. As she was perched above him, lovingly tracing the lines of his back, by sheer memory alone he made his way up the stairs to their bedroom. When oxygen could be ignored no longer, they disconnected long enough for Josh to deposit Donna onto the bed and to remove shoes and socks. Kneeling in the middle, her entire body blushing rose, she beckoned her husband back to her as she lay back against the pillows until her husband was right she wanted him: above her body and entrenched in her heart.

Once they rejoined, no words were spoken; the only sounds in the room were heady sighs and rustling fabric. They took their time, exploring with hands and reacquainting themselves with the little things they'd forgotten about each other; the tiny mole on Josh's neck, the ticklish underside of Donna's knee, the tiny indented scar on Josh's back leftover from a football game, the textured feel of toe polish from Donna's toenails. Sensual fervor reigned supreme and made no room for other thought. It wasn't until many moments later, when Josh's impatient hands made their way up the slit of Donna's dress to her hipbone and she felt the unmistakable hardness against her thigh, that reason broke through her clouded mind.

"Josh," she managed to breathe out, his lips wreaking havoc on her sensitive collarbone. It was tempting to just give into her desire but before she could, yet another discussion needed to take place. "Josh," she said again, stronger this time as she reached down to pull back his pleasurably invading hand. "Hold…hold on a second."

He looked down at her face, hair surrounding her in a delicate gold halo and face flushed with yearning but tinged with something else. "What is it?" he gasped out, squeezing her hand. But before she could get a word out, her beauty and his love overcame him and he leaned down to feast upon her neck again, hoping he could calm anything she feared or wanted with his kisses.

"Oh God," she cried out quietly, looking back up at the canopy of the bed for wisdom. Her mind screamed out for sensibility but her body demanded satisfaction. The age-old dilemma, practicality versus passion, and Donna wasn't sure which would win out. However when Josh's mouth drifted down to her cloth-covered breasts, the decision was made for her. Gathering all her willpower, she gently pushed his body off of hers and climbed out from under him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Confused was one word to describe Josh at that moment. One minute they were seemingly in the midst of finally making love and the next she wasn't even looking at him anymore.

"I'm sorry," she finally said when she caught her breath. She turned her head and saw him lying down on the bed, hands covering his face in an effort to regain his self-control. "I just…just--"

"What? Decided that a life celibacy has some merit to it?" he asked disinterestedly, staring upward, acutely annoyed, disheartened, and frustrated all at once. "You wanted to see if it was literally possible to drive a person to insanity from sexual deprivation? You wanted--"

"I want to have a baby," she told him softly, looking back at him. When he didn't make a move to do anything, she continued, "That's what I want; to have a child with you again." She stared at him for another minute before she said, "Are you gonna say anything at all, Josh?"

"Well, that was unexpected," he commented, lifting himself up to sit next to her. She didn't say anything, just fiddled with the down comforter instead of looking right at him. Shoulders barely touching, he pondered her for a moment. "When…when did this come about?" he asked curiously.

"It's been building for awhile, I guess. Maybe since my dad died, maybe afterwards; I'm not really sure," she answered honestly. "I just know I want to have a baby, more than anything right now."

"Then why did you…?" he asked, gesturing to bed.

"Because you deserve a say in this too. I still haven't gone back on the Pill and I can't make decisions that affect this whole family by myself anymore; I learned that one the hard way." She finally looked up at him with wide, hopeful eyes. "So what do you think?"

"I think," he began as he got up to stand in front of her, "that it was very unfair of you to dump this on me like this." He saw her shoulders slump slightly and her eyes shadow over but he pressed on. "You can't just expect me to hear that you want to have another child in the midst of making love and give you a legitimate answer on whether or not I do too."

"You're right," she agreed wholeheartedly. "That was stupid and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it that way but I didn't want to risk anything happening until I knew what you wanted." She looked at him expectantly. "What do you want?"

"I…I don't know," he replied, feeling like he was being backed into a corner. He started pacing in small steps in front of her.

"Well what's the first thing that popped into your mind after I told you?" she asked, desperate to know where he stood on this.

Hesitant, he stopped and looked at her. "You want the truth?"

"Always."

"I think no," he said truthfully. "My first thought was no."

"Okay," she nodded, feeling her heart constrict a little. "No, as in…ever or--?" 

"No, as in right now," he clarified half-heartedly. "I want more kids, definitely, but right now isn't a good time."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why not? Why is now such a horrible time to have a baby?" she asked as stood to face him. 

"Well, your job for starters," he argued. "The magazine hits the stands in a month, how are you gonna juggle that if we have a newborn at home plus two other kids?"

"By working from the house," she countered. "I told Lily it would be too hard to commute to New York every couple of days so I'll work from here and DC and I'll keep up with the goings-on there with faxes and emails and conference calls. I'll go up to New York twice a month for staff meetings."

"And my job? You think the hours I'm gonna be working now on are conductive to parenting a newborn?"

"So you're saying we can't have anymore children until you're out of public office? Well guess what, that puts my age somewhere in the early fifties by the time our third child would be conceived."

Nervously running a hand through his hair, he tried a different tactic. "What about Emma and Natalie? You think they want to compete with a new baby for attention?"

"Every Christmas since Natalie was born, the first thing on Emma's Christmas list is a new baby sister or brother and Natalie loves everyone she comes in contact with. Besides, they'd be a part of the whole experience with us, like Emma was when I was pregnant with Natalie. No one's going to love anyone more or less in this family." She crossed her arms defiantly. "What else you got?"

"Why are you doing this? Why are you making this so hard? I've told you how I feel about this already!"

"Because that's not how you really feel!" she yelled at him. "I saw you the night Natalie was born, I saw that look on your face; I know it was one the top three happiest moments of your life and you cannot stand here and tell me you don't want to feel that way again. I'm your wife and I know you so just tell me what is wrong," she demanded of him, taking his hands desperately.

"Because I'm scared!" he finally admitted, ripping his hands out of hers violently as he moved away from her. "I'm terrified, Donna, of us! Of what happens if one of us gets scared or angry and we put ourselves through that hell again! We couldn't make it through that and you can't guarantee me that it will never happen." He stopped and leaned up against the wall, sliding down as he felt the full weight of his fear well up inside of him. "We've already put the girls through that," he tried to explain to his wife. "I don't want to risk hurting another child like that, putting them what Emma went through. It's a cruel thing to do to another human being and I couldn't live with myself if it ever happened again." Exhausted, he put his head in his hands, refusing to look at his wife's reaction.

Donna looked down at her husband, at his tired, weathered form, crumpled up against the wall in their bedroom. Like herself, Josh was good at masking his emotions; he wasn't the master politician for nothing. But it broke her heart to see that he was letting fear, something he never used to let stop him, hold him back from feeling such joy, joy that she knew he wanted to feel again. It pained her to realize that she was the cause of it but berating herself for it now would do neither of them any good. 

She slowly walked over to him and kneeled down in front of him. She placed her hands on his knees supportively and said in a docile yet strong tone, "You're absolutely right, Josh, about everything you just said. It's very possible that something else may happen that will push us apart; our personalities are, after all, not the most conductive for handling emotional confrontations very well. We never know what curveballs Life is going to throw at us. We could very well end up getting a divorce someday, fifty percent of all couples do. And it isn't fair to do that to any child, especially our own. But you know what, Josh?" She pulled his face up to look at her, so he could really hear what she was trying to say. "The payoff is worth so much more than the risk. The payoff is a little tiny person that is a part of you and part of me, that we get to love and cherish and drive crazy for the rest of our lives." She smiled at him as she reached up to tenderly stroke his cheek. "I love you, more than anyone else could ever possibly love you. And I abused that love by hurting you the way I did and I'm sorry. Sorry that it's made you so afraid to let something this beautiful happen for us." She sighed in remorse when he turned his head away from her. "I can't change our past and what I did to you but I can make our future better by giving you, by giving us, this gift. This baby wouldn't just be a new member of our family; it would be a new beginning for all of us." She paused but got no reaction from him, no indication of anything. She stood up but didn't motion for him to do the same. "I'm willing to risk it, Josh; and if you're really the man that I know you are, deep down you're willing to as well." With that, she walked out the bedroom, leaving Josh alone with her statement.

"Okay," he whispered to himself when he was sure Donna was out of earshot. "Now what do I do with that?" Pushing himself up off the floor, he stretched out his back as he contemplated what he'd just been told. He didn't doubt that Donna truly believed what she was saying and a part of him wanted to be that way too, but he couldn't afford to be. Things were just getting back to normal between them, finally; why did she want to rock the boat? 'Because she wants to be a mother again,' his mind said. 'That's not a bad thing, just bad timing. And timing is everything after all.'

"Daddy!" he jumped at the sound of a little voice behind him. Turning, he saw Natalie standing in the doorway in her pajamas, her blanket tucked under her arm, brown curls askew, and a mischievous little elfin grin on her face. 

"What are you doing here, missy?" he said going over to her and picking her up. "You," Josh kissed her cheek, "are supposed to be in bed."

"I want story," she demanded, crossing her arms.

"But Mommy already read you a story, remember?" he said as he started to bring her back to her room.

"I want Daddy story," she said, poking his chest. "You better."

"Daddy's better at stories than Mommy?" She nodded briskly and he had to laugh as he brought her into her room. "Alright, Daddy will tell you another story but then you have to go to sleep."

"Yeah!" she clapped her hands as he laid her down on her brand-new bed. At almost two years old, she'd been able to get herself out of the crib without hurting herself a few times but neither Josh nor Donna wanted to tempt any fates so they purchased Natalie her very first bed, complete with safety bars that usually proved futile to her efforts.

He tucked the blankets around her and her assortment of stuffed animals before he sat down on the floor beside her, hoping she'd be tired enough for a quick story. "So what do want to hear about?"

"Bear story," Natalie told him. "Tell Bear story."

 "The Bear story, big surprise," he said under his breath, as it was her favorite. "Alright, once upon a time there was a family three bears who lived in a house. There was Momma, Poppa, and…"

"Natalie!" she filled in the blank with her own version.

"Yes, there was Baby Bear Natalie and her older Sister Bear Emma," he smiled down at her. "So anyways, this family lived all by themselves until one day, they went out for a walk and big, mean man named Mr.…"

"Walken!" she completed the sentence, curling up on her side to get comfortable.

"Yes, Mr. Walken," he said, knowing he was probably setting a bad example but if he was going to have to recite boring children's' stories, he was gonna have fun with it. "And Mr. Walken went into the house and used all of the Bear's things without their permission, breaking a lot of them, and when they got home, guess what those Bears did?"

"What?" she asked sleepily, her eyes drooping slightly.

"They filed a lawsuit, claiming property damage and infliction of emotional abuse and they won a hefty settlement in federal court, so they moved into a huge mansion and lived happily ever after while Mr. Walken's punishment was to spend the rest of his life in budget meetings with a liberal group of feminists from the National Organization for Women. The End," he whispered as he saw that Natalie was already well on her way to a peaceful night of slumber. Bending forward, he placed a kiss on her forehead and gently stroked her brown locks against the pillow.

'Why am I afraid of having something like this again?' Josh thought wistfully. 'Why am I not jumping up and down in ecstasy that Donna wants to create this all over again with me?' Sitting there, on the floor beside his daughter, he couldn't remember a good reason anymore. When Natalie had been born, it had been a different kind of love with her than with Emma. Not a better or bigger one, just different. Emma had been the daughter of his greatest love so naturally he'd loved her from the start. But with Natalie, he'd had the anticipation of waiting nine months for this little person to come into his life and when she had, when he'd first held her tiny body, he'd realized that this child was a piece of him, a part of his flesh. She was his past and his future all in one; the legacy of generations of Lymans' before him all rolled up into this 7 lb, 8 ounce ball of flesh. He remembered the feeling that Donna had told him about before and looking down at his baby, he realized what a fool he was to be so afraid of it.

'But what about the X factor?' the pragmatic side of him cried out. 'Do you really want to risk putting your children, all of your children, through a painful divorce? Is it really worth those risks?'

'Jed Bartlet was a risk,' his idealistic side, his fatherly side, rebutted. 'Leaving Hoynes to put Bartlet in office was a huge risk. So was running for Senator, so was loving Emma so much so soon, so was deciding to get married, even hiring Donna to begin with was a huge risk. In the end, wasn't it all worth it?' 

Realizing what the truth really was, finally, he gave Natalie one more kiss and whispered in her ear, "Thank you sweetheart. And I'll make sure your new baby brother or sister thanks you when the time is right." She stirred slightly but didn't wake, nestling herself further under the blankets. Leaving the room, he went back to his bedroom, hoping to find his wife but she wasn't there, and so he headed downstairs in search of her.

Donna was in the kitchen, slowly and methodically finishing the forgotten dishes. 'Why must he be so determined to let the past six months tie us down forever?' she thought sadly. She'd done everything in her power to convince him that it wouldn't happen again because she wouldn't let it get that far again. But it wasn't working and Donna understood that this was something that Josh needed to come to on his own. All she could do was be there for him and support him until he finally realized that it was okay to move on. She just hoped it was soon, for all their sakes.

She was in the middle of scrubbing a glass when all of a sudden she felt a pair of hands on her hips. Before she could grasp that concept, she felt a pair of lips place a string of feather-light kisses down the back of her throat. Dropping the glass into the water-filled sink, she shakily reached up to turn off the faucet as what were unmistakably Josh's lips continued to tantalize her still sensitive throat. Clutching the counter, she leaned her head back against his shoulder to give him better access, hoping with everything in here that this meant what she thought it meant. "Are you sure?" she breathed out into his ear.

He didn't speak, just slowly and sensually moved his hands from where they were holding her hips firmly in place to rest upon her stomach, rubbing the area devotedly with sure hands. "I love you," he told her, removing his lips from her to answer. "I want this. I want to start over again and get it right this time. And it will be when I'm watching you hold our baby in your arms." He kissed her cheek, squeezing her stomach slightly.

She smiled through the tears that were welling up behind her eyes. "I love you too," she told him as his lips moved back down her throat. She placed her hands over his on her stomach and laughed lightly. "We're gonna have a baby," she said a little awed.

"Well not tonight," he joked, moving to nibble on the shell of her ear, eliciting a moan from deep within her. "But I don't see why we can't make one."

"We might not get it right the first time," she teased, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer.

"People rarely do," he said, turning her to face him, cupping her face in his hands. "That's why they keep trying and trying and trying until they get it right." He kissed her nose before hugging her tightly to him, savoring the thrill of finally having her truly back.

She held onto him with equal force, relishing the fact that her husband was coming back to her after so long and the fact that they'd have many other things to look forward to together. "Make love to me, Joshua," she requested. "Right now."

He pulled back to smile wolfishly at her. "Okay," he smirked before he hoisted her up onto the counter as she yelped in surprise. But he didn't give her time to recover as he covered her lips with his own.

"You are crazy," she laughed when they pulled apart, struggling to get his shirt off.

"And you are stuck with me for the rest of your life," he told her, his hands gliding up and down her sides.

"Fine," she replied, reaching down to tug up the hem of her dress until it was bunched around her waist, now driving her husband crazy. "But can you just shut up and get me pregnant?"

"Anytime ma'am," he said, leaning to trap her in a mind-numbing kiss, as hope, in its full entirety, was finally restored.       


	5. Chapter 5

Georgetown, Washington DC: September 23, 2005 

"Is she here yet?"

"No."

"When will she get here?"

"Soon."

"How soon?"

"Very soon, I hope."

"Do you think she brought lots of presents?"

"I know she brought presents for Natalie because it's her birthday."

"What about me?"  

"I'm sure she brought you something nice too."

"How nice exactly?"

"Emma, sweetheart," Donna turned to face her daughter, trying to hide her impatience at the child. "Remember that talk we had about asking people lots of questions?"

"Yes."

"Remember how I said that people don't always like to be asked question after question after question?"

"Yes."

"And that sometimes when they hear too many questions in a row, they get the urge to hit themselves over the head with something heavy?"

"Yes."

"Well Mommy's about ready to beam herself in the back of the head with this metal spoon, baby," Donna said, holding up the large spoon in front of Emma. "Do you understand what that means?"

"That I should probably go bug Aunt Nicole and Toby right now?" Emma ventured a guess.

"That's my girl," her mother smiled at her as she quickly kissed the top of her head before Emma scampered out of the kitchen. On her way out, she nearly collided with her uncle T.J. as he came into the room.

"Where's the fire?" he called out to his niece as she ran out into the hallway. "Do you need any help?" he asked his older sister.

"Yeah, can you finish the salad?" she directed him to the half-finished salad before turning back to the main course.

T.J. peered over her shoulder. "What the hell is that?" he asked, pointing into the pot.

"Spaghetti in the big pot and a garlic and pesto sauce in the small one," she replied in a clipped tone.

"It smells awful," he grimaced, inhaling a whiff of the odor from the sauce. "Are sure you're making it right?"

"I'm doing exactly as the cookbook instructs me to."

"So it's supposed to smell like something that's been in my gym bag since the mid 1980s."

"In theory, I suppose so. Now will you stop hovering and make the damn salad!"

"All right, geez," he acquiesced, going back to his task. As he prepared the salad, he glanced back over his shoulder and saw Donna working frantically on the rest of the dinner with a nervousness she didn't usually exude. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong at all," she was quick to reply, still stirring and checking the food as she did. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, you seem a little jittery that's all."

"Well I have no reason to be jittered. There is no earthly reason on Earth why I should be feeling jittery right now, right?" she asked him nervously. "I mean, why should I be jittered? After all, this is a great day for me; it's my daughter's second birthday. I should be feeling happy and excited, which I am by the way," she pointed out to him.

"Okay," T.J. replied to appease her as he continued to chop up vegetables.

"I'm going to be surrounded by dear family members and friends, some of whom I haven't seen in ages, like Charlie and Zoey for example," she prattled on. "I haven't seen them since Josh was elected last year. And Mena was here this week and that was just so fabulous to see her again and catch up. I mean, really I'm one huge ball of excitement and happiness that's ready to burst!"

"So when's Josh's mother getting here again?" T.J. asked nonchalantly. When he didn't get an answer after a few minutes, he turned around to see Donna hunched over the counter, her shoulders shaking with the unmistakable sound of sobs. He hastily stopped what he was doing and rushed to take his sister in his arms. "What is it? What's wrong, Donna?"

"Oh, what isn't wrong?" she bemoaned as she pulled back from him. 

T.J. grabbed a dishrag and blotted gently at her eyes. "Well perhaps we should zero in on the problem that's turned you into such a basket case," he suggested.

"She's got to hate me so much," Donna sighed, taking the cloth from her brother and trying to clean herself up a little bit.

"Who does?"

"Josh's mother," she explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"What could you have possibly done to make her…oh that's right," T.J. said as it came to him. "The leaving…with the kids and all."

"Yeah," she sighed miserably.

 "You're right, I can understand that." Donna turned back to finishing the pasta so T.J. went back to the salad. "So you've talked to her about it, and she said that she hates you?"

"No," she admitted.

"Then, Josh has talked to her and told you that she hates you?"

"No."

"Emma told you that she hates you?"

"No!" she huffed in annoyance as she went to strain the pasta in the sink. "Of course she hasn't."

"Then why do you think that--?"

"Well, wouldn't you?" she asked him pointedly, her back to him. "If a woman stole your grandchildren from their father, your son, for a month without so much as a phone call, wouldn't you be pissed at her too?"

He stared at her back, taught with anxiety and frustration, and felt a wave of pity for her wash over him. Donna, it always seemed to him, had to carry the weight of the world on her chest. "I don't know what to say to make you feel better, Bella," he replied going over to her and wrapping his arms around her shoulders, placing a kiss on the side of her head. "But if I knew what it was, I'd shout it from the Empire State Building."

Donna let out a chuckle, patting his forearm. "You're a sweetheart, baby brother," she told him. "How the hell did that happen?"

"I know, it's weird, considering how I used to kick my older sisters' asses on a regular basis," he said pleasantly, moving his arms up to lock her in chokehold.

"No!" she screeched laughingly, backing them up into the middle of the kitchen to avoid any household accidents. She wiggled against him with all her might, but she had nothing on her weight lifting, exercise-fiend of a younger brother. "Stop! Truce, truce!"

"Eh, maybe later," he grunted out as he alternately squeezed neck and tickled her ribs.

"I'll tell on you, you brat!"

"Yeah, who?"

"Nico--!" she started to shout before T.J.'s hand clamped over her mouth. In that instance, she managed to break free from his other arm and moved to the other side of him. She grabbed the first thing off the counter she could find and held it in front of her to defend herself with. 

He had to laugh at her. "You're going to whisk me into submission?" he mocked her.

"That," Donna taunted, "or I'll tell Mena which one of us really lost their virginity at midnight Mass when they were fourteen."

He debated it for less than a second. "Truce?" he offered, sticking out his hand.

She shook it firmly. "Truce," she accepted, going back over to the food as if nothing had happened. 

"Seriously though, Bella, the thing with Josh's mom," he tried to explain to her as he added dressing to his contribution to dinner, "it's going to be okay. She loves you like a daughter; she's not going to forget that."

"I hope you're right," she said. "I've got more than enough on my mind right now without having to deal with a wicked mother-in-law."

"Such as?" he asked, going to the fridge to grab a beer. "You want one?"

"No thanks," she shook her head. "I've just got stuff that needs to be done around here and with the magazine…"

"Oh yeah, Nic told me. They ended up pushing back the launch date, right?"

"Right, the first issue will be published about six months from now."

"A whole six months? What happened?" he asked, hopping up on the counter next to her.

"Financial stuff mostly," she answered, adding some basil to the food. "The economy is bad, and the accountants and Lily figure it's cheaper to put everything on hold for now and lose a little money rather than publish two months from now and lose everything."

"That is why I like freelancing; you get to make your own hours and wages while you let the magazine people worry about the bottom line," he took a swig of beer and set his bottle down. It hit something and knocked it to the ground. "What's that?"

"Nothing," Donna quickly replied, bending down to fetch the object, 

"What is that? A thermometer?" T.J. asked when she was upright.

'Damn it,' she thought. "Yes, it is," she said, setting it down on the other counter, hoping he'd just let it go.

But it was not to be. "Why do you keep that in the kitchen?" he asked, leaning back against the cupboards.

"Because I was using it before while I made dinner," she said, mixing up the pasta a bit more while avoiding eye contact.

"Are you sick?"

"Of you and Emma tag-teaming me with questions, yes I am," she said matter-of-factly. She speared up a small forkful of pasta and held it up to his lips. "Taste."

"I'm not eating that Donna," he protested, pushing her hand away.

"Taste."

"It smells like feet."

"T.J., just taste it."

"You taste it, it's your mea--" he was cut off when Donna shoved the pasta into his open mouth. His natural instincts of chewing and swallowing quickly took over as he contemplated the food he was eating. "Know what's weird?" he asked after he was done.

"What?"

"How something that smells so, so wrong can taste so, so right," he grinned taking the fork from her and reaching into the bowl. "Gimme some more of that."

"It's good?"

"Oh yeah," he replied around a mouthful of pasta. He waited until he swallowed before continuing, "Now again, are you sick or not?"

"No I'm not," she groaned, wishing he'd let up on this.

"Then why are you using a thermometer in your kitchen for yourself and not your kids?"

She looked him over, at his steadfast gaze and determined posture, and knew he wasn't going to give up until he had the truth. She nervously cleared her throat. "You really want know?"

"Yes I do, as a matter of fact," he replied, putting another forkful of into his mouth.

"I'm trying to figure out if I'm ovulating or not, so I can determine the optimum time for conception so Josh and I can have sex."

As soon as the words left her mouth, T.J. started chocking violently. He groped around until he found some napkins and spit the food into it before reaching for his beer to rinse his mouth out. Donna could only look on with a partially embarrassed but mostly amused expression etching her face.

"Okay," he finally said a little hoarsely. "I'm going to take my beer, I'm going to go into the other room, drink it all down, and forget that I heard those words ever come out of your mouth."

"Can you take the salad out with you?" she asked, holding out the bowl for him.

"Sure," he said, grabbing the bowl and not looking her in the eyes.

"T.J.," she called out when he was at the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to have sex with my husband sometime today."

"You are such a bitch," he whined in agony as he went into the dining room.

"And I love you too, baby brother," she goaded him sweetly. She went to wash her hands in the sink. "Oh yes, I truly do."

"Truly do what?"

Donna froze on the spot, the icy water from the faucet running down her hands, but she hardly noticed. 'Oh God,' she thought, horrified at being caught so off-guard. She'd thought when she'd face Dr. Rachel Lyman again, she'd be prepared and calm, not trembling like a leaf; evidently, she'd thought wrong.

"H…hi Rachel," Donna whispered, stealing a quick look at herself in the window above the sink to make sure she was somewhat presentable. Shutting off the faucet, she slowly turned and looked straight into the face of her mother-in-law, standing across the room. She still wore her raincoat, so she must have just arrived from the airport with Josh. The Florida sun had colored her cheeks a light pink against her tan skin, and her red tresses showed only a few lines of gray. Donna smiled tightly while searching her mother-in-law's face for a sign, an indication, of what she was feeling at that moment. Looking closely, she thought she could detect what might a hint of nervousness in her brown eyes, but Donna couldn't imagine why she would be. "Did you just get here?"

"A few minutes ago actually, my grandchildren held me hostage before my son directed me towards the kitchen."

"I see." 

"So," Rachel shrugged, playing with the ties on her coat, "how are you, Donna?"

"I'm good, thank you," Donna said, pulling her hair back behind her ears. "And you?"

"Oh, I'm just fine," she quickly answered.

"Good." Donna crossed her arms and leaned back against the sink while Rachel shuffled her feet and looked around the kitchen.

"Have you remodeled this room?" she suddenly asked, without much interest.

"Nope, same old kitchen that was here the last time you were up."

Rachel nodded slowly. "Yes, I see it is."

The silence encircled the two women for a minute or so, both believing they knew why they were seesawing back and forth between one another without any real purpose or motivation. 

"Your classes are going well?" Donna asked, staring at the floor.

"I'm sorry?"

"I asked if your classes were going well," she repeated loudly.

"Yes, they're going just fine," Rachel responded, flicking at her nails.

'This is insane,' Donna thought. 'We shouldn't be tiptoeing around this like a couple of children; we're adults for God's sake.' "Look Rachel," Donna began, gathering her courage, "we need to talk about--"

"Oh Donna, I'm so sorry," the older woman cried out as she walked over to Donna and wrapped her arms around the confused woman. She pulled back slightly, not acknowledging or noticing her daughter-in-law's puzzlement. "It was so wrong of me not to…I don't know what I was thinking…I just hope you can forgive me, Donna," she whimpered, kissing Donna's cheek.

"Rachel, Rachel what are you talking about?" Donna pulled back from her, having no idea whatsoever what Rachel was apologizing for. "Why are you sorry?"

Rachel stroked her cheek affectionately. "Because I wasn't there for you," her Yiddish accent even more prominent when she was emotional. "You came back, and I just never called, or wrote, or did anything. You needed me to be there for you, and I wasn't."

"Oh no, Rachel, I'm not angry with you," Donna went back to hug her, trying to comfort her. "I never was, not even for minute. Why would you think that?"

"I'm an old Jewish mother, parental guilt is my vice," she sighed, pulling back again. She smoothed Donna's hair back and looked deep into her eyes, motherly love lit behind them. "Still, I should have done something, but my idiot son said you two needed time for yourselves and the girls."

"We did," she told Rachel. "I understand why he told you that, please don't feel guilty about it."

"Donna, didn't you just hear me say I'm an old Jewish mother?" she teased. She wiped at the glistening tears in her eyes, patting Donna's shoulders as she pulled back to take her coat off and hang it on a chair. 

"You know actually, Rachel, I thought you were going to be mad at me," Donna said timidly, looking down at her hands. "For leaving with the girls and all."

The elder Lyman woman's face took on a pensive expression, lips pursed together and eyes starting at the wall to the side of her. She stayed that way for a moment or two, seemingly deep in thought before she finally spoke again to a tense Donna. "We all make mistakes," she began softly but with force, "especially when love is involved. What you did to my Joshua was cruel and heartless. It killed me, as a mother, that you could hurt my boy like that." Her harsh words were softened as she smiled kindly at Donna. "But then again, you're also my daughter, just as much as Josh is my son. I could never not forgive you for anything, Donna, anything." Rachel cleared her throat, clearly a little uncomfortable, as she patted the tabletop. "But that is all in the past and we're here to celebrate my granddaughter today, so let's get this show on the road. I brought some desserts with me; do you have some platters I could use?"

"Sure," she replied, intuitively sensing that this was the end of that conversation, period. Rachel forgave and any explanations on Donna's part wouldn't matter to her. She appreciated her mother-in-law's honesty but more than her approval, she was grateful she still had Rachel's love and devotion on her side. "What did you bring?"

"Some éclairs for Emma, because you can never have too much chocolate as child," Rachel warned, unwrapping foil while Donna got the trays. "And some baklava for Josh, because I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't have this with me."

"How do you make such a fabulous baklava?" Donna admired. "Josh has raved about this since before I knew him; I've been trying to make this ever since he and I got married and I still can't get right. Please tell me you're leaving me the recipe in your will."

"Do you want it now?" Rachel asked with a glint in her eye. Donna nodded enthusiastically as her mother-in-law leaned in conspiratorially. "Poppadorius Bakery, 400 Yorkshire Drive, Chicago IL, and ask for Elena. Overnight mail, perishables, and make sure you put the box at the bottom of the garbage can."

"Oh, you are sneaky."

"I learned it from my mother-in-law, who learned it from hers, and I continue the tradition with you as you will someday with your daughter-n-law."

"If I ever get one, that is."

"Well, maybe this one you're trying for now will be a boy," Rachel smirked as she pointed at Donna's stomach.

She just rolled her eyes. "And Josh calls me the blabbermouth," she snarked as she realized what had happened. "He told you on the way here?"

"He's just excited, he's always wanted a big family," she defended her son.

"So do I." She set about getting napkins and the pasta finished before she noticed Rachel staring at her oddly. "What?"

"Are you…?" she asked, gesturing to Donna's stomach.

"I don't think so, not yet."

"But you are trying, right?"

"Yes," Donna replied, getting a trifle embarrassed. 

"Are you having problems?" Rachel eyed her curiously.

"You know, I don't know. I've never actively tried to get pregnant before, Rachel, it just always seemed to happen," she said, now noticeably blushing.

"Well you have to be careful," the older woman counseled. "There are certain positions that make it--"

"Rachel, I'm very glad that your encouraging this and all," Donna broke in, slightly pained, "but this is one those things where you might be…"

"Grossing you out with sex advice?"

"A little bit, yeah.

"Say no more; I will leave the baby making to you and your husband," she promised.

"Thank you," Donna breathed a sigh of relief.

"But if I'm not holding a new grandchild in my arms this time next year, I guarantee nothing," she vowed, picking the pasta bowl from Donna. "Now let's eat so we can have cake, and then we can do presents where I'll show my granddaughters why I'm their favorite." Rachel went to set up in the dining room while Donna went into the living room to show their assorted guests to dinner. Nicole and Toby were there along with T.J. and Ellie, who had Shawn on her hip. Bobby and Helen were there with Freddie, who was currently playing what looked like an intense game of Go Fish with Emma. Charlie and Zoey Young were there, Zoey's pregnancy just beginning to show as she reached her fourth month. Jed Bartlet had been feeling under the weather so he'd stayed in Manchester, with his eldest daughter's family visiting. And at last, coming down the stairs with her father, was the birthday girl. Natalie made a beeline for her mother and Donna picked her up as everyone made their way into the dining room. "Hey you," she addressed her husband when the room had cleared, save them and their daughter. "Do me a favor?"

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Please wait until we actually conceive the child before you spill the beans to your mother next time," she told him, smacking his shoulder.

"Oww!" he whined, rubbing his arm. "What did she do to you, give you a lecture on names?"

"No, but she was about to give me advice on which positions to use to best facilitate conception."

"Okay, I did not need to hear that," he groaned as she pushed past him to go into the dining room.

"What is it with guys and hearing about the schematics of child conception that makes you all go green around gills?" she asked as the entered the noisy dining room.

"Well it's not that we don't love the after part," Josh said, leaning down to kiss Natalie's head, "but it's best for all parties involved that the before part be a don't ask, don't tell situation."

"You," she pulled him close for a kiss, "are a strange, strange man."

"Who is also hungry, so let's eat."  They joined the rest of the party at the dining room table and proceeded to enjoy a hearty meal, surrounded by loved ones and lively conversation. When everyone finished, Donna went into the kitchen to retrieve the cake while Josh hit the lights and prepared the baby for her big moment.

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Natalie. Happy birthday to you," everyone sang to her as the glowing cake was set in front of her. Donna was about to set the cake in front of her when Rachel suddenly stood up.

"Excuse me everyone," she announced politely. "Could you all just humor me for one moment? Donna, could you bring the cake down here in front of me; Joshua, bring me my grandbaby." Although they were a little confused, they granted Rachel her wish and brought both the baby and the cake to her. "Emma, my love, come stand over here with me," she motioned for the girl, who immediately went to her grandmother's side.

"What is it, Grandma?" Emma asked, standing next to her grandmother's chair.

Rachel squeezed Emma against her and held Natalie close. "Oh my angels, my two precious angels," she cooed to them, seemingly oblivious of the other people looking on at her curiously. "I just wanted to tell you both something, a little story, before we blew out the candles. When I was around you're age, Emma, I lived in a place called Germany. I lived there with my Mama and my Papa and I was so happy there it made me dizzy sometimes. Then one day…" she paused and unconsciously pulled the two children a little closer to her before going forward, "I was celebrating my sixth birthday when these mean, mean men came into the house and made my parents and I pack up a few things and leave our house forever."

"Why'd they do that?" Emma asked naively.

"Um Emma…" Josh tried to cut in and explain but his mother stopped him.

"Emma, my darling, there are certain things in life that we learn about as we get older and I promise you that that will be one of them. When you are ready, I will explain it to you as best I can. But to answer your question for now, some people in this world are not good and nothing can change that. The best we can do is learn from it, so we can help make sure that no one else is like that." She rubbed Emma's back lovingly as she continued. "But back to my story, we had to leave our home and we never got to go back. After a few years, we were able to come here to live in America. My mama and papa went to live in Heaven soon after that, so I was very sad for a long, long time after that until one wonderful day when I was seventeen and I met someone very special. You know who I met, Natalie?"

"I dunno," the girl replied, scrunching up her face in the adorable way that only children can.

"I met your Grandpa Noah, in New York, on a double date where I was paired with his friend, a lanky, good-looking Irishman in the Air Force," she said, with a wink in Josh's direction. He rolled his eyes, having heard the story countless times growing up from his father on their anniversary. "But anyways, a few months later I married him. And then eventually, your daddy was born and I was so, so happy that I was dizzy again." She tactfully left out the mention of Josh's older sister. He'd decided that he'd tell the girls about her himself one day, when they could understand why she'd died. "And I guess what I want you girls to understand is that there was a long time after my last birthday in Germany when Grandma wasn't happy. But I want you both to know that I will do everything in my power to make sure all your birthdays, and every other day in between, are happy too." All the other adults in the room silently agreed with that sentiment, each wanting these two little girls to have all the joys that life had to offer them. "Now can I get some 'I love you's'?" she asked her granddaughters.

"I love you, Grandma," Emma told her, wrapping her arms around her neck.

"Love you, Gamma," Natalie offered her as well.

"Oh I love you too. Can I have some kisses please?" She pelted both girls with kisses until Natalie was squirming against her.

"Cake! Cake!" she demanded, hitting her little fists on the table, trying to reach the large chocolate cake that so close to her.

"Well my grandbaby has demanded cake so cake she shall have," Rachel decreed. She turned the baby to face the cake. "Okay ready? One, two, three blow!" Instead of a blow, Natalie let out a cough but the end result was the same. Everyone cheered for the little girl and her grandmother squeezed her back against her chest, closing her eyes and whispering softly, "Happy, happy birthday, little one."

Later that night, when the guests had all left and the girls and Rachel were settled in bed, Josh and Donna were lying underneath the blankets of their bed. They'd laid there quietly together, Donna settled against Josh's chest, and hoped that their last two rounds of sex had been fruitful.

"That was so sweet, what your mother said tonight before the cake," Donna commented sleepily. "Telling the girls those things was…so her. Did she do stuff like that when you were little?"

"No," he admitted, playing with a lock of her hair. "She worked a lot when I was a kid and we didn't really get along as well as we do now."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's in the past."

"It won't be like that with our kids," she assured him as the temptation of sleep began to pull her in.

"You think so?"

"Know so," she whispered as the beating of Josh's strong heart lulled her into dreams.

"I'm just asking because with the Senate and hopefully the White House, I won't have as much time to…" he trailed off as he caught the sound of her light snoring. He chuckled quietly and placed a kiss on the crown of her head, lingering there. He closed his eyes and tried to join his wife but something kept him awake, a strange urge he'd never really felt before. Glancing down to make sure she was really asleep, he slowly turned her body over until she was resting flat on her back. Crawling down her body until he was eyeing her flat stomach, he made sure Donna was still asleep before beginning quietly, "Hey you, I think. Um okay so I'm not sure if you're in there yet or not and if you are, just listen up and if you're not, it won't really matter because I'm talking to nothing. There are some things you need to know: A.) I'm your dad so, you know, hi; B.) If you're in there now, you're kind of a," he searched for the right word, "second chance for your mom and me. You see we went through some rough times before we decided to have you and you're gonna be the first sign of the new love and commitment we have for one another. I'm not trying to get you down or make you worry about anything, I'm just saying that's what happened; and finally C.) With a lot of work and little luck from a higher power, I'm going to be President of the United States one day. That doesn't mean anything to you now but it will someday and I just want to apologize in advance if you don't think I spend enough time with you when you're out of your mom. I'll do my very best to always be there for you, your mom, and your siblings but I can't promise anything in that department. Just always know…" He splayed his hand soothingly against Donna's skin. "I love you, even now I love you, and nothing will ever change that." He started to close his eyes, comforted at having said what he needed to say before another thought occurred to him. "Oh by the way," he continued, "if you're a boy, not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I know a guy pretty high up in the Met's farm system. Just for future reference, that's all. So…goodnight." He settled back up on the pillows, his eyes starting to close and his body starting to relax.

"You know before," he heard a voice whisper, "when I said what your mother did was sweet? That had nothing on that little episode of 'Father Knows Best'." He opened his eyes and saw Donna's face, grinning back at him.

"You were eavesdropping on a private conversation just now, Donnatella," Josh tried to scold her. "You were being nosy right then."

"You might not have been talking to anything, Joshua," she mentioned as she moved her body on top of his again, plotting kisses on his neck as she went.

"I have faith," he smiled as his hands drifted down her body.

"And I'm not questioning that," Donna mumbled as she kissed her way up to his mouth. "I'm just saying that a little insurance never hurt anyone."

"Well, if you think we must," Josh sighed in mock annoyance.

"Oh I think we must," Donna agreed as she pounced on her husband. 


	6. Chapter 6

Metro Center, Washington DC: October 14, 2005 

**__**

"What about this one?" Donna asked, holding up the black cashmere sweater for her companion's approval.

Nicole scrunched up her nose in distaste. "Going to a funeral much?" she asked disdainfully, putting the garment back on the rack.

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's black," Nicole replied as if that explained everything, perusing through another rack of clothes.

"Yes, I noticed that when I picked it," Donna said sarcastically, following her while pushing a dozing Natalie in her stroller. "In fact, its color was largely the basis of my selection."

"Well, my dear sister, black does not become you, it never has really. It completely washes you out."

"Says who?"

"Says the one of us who actually knows how to work a color wheel. How about this one?" She held up a long, orange sundress up to Donna's figure.

Donna stared at her sister quizzically. "Nic, I'm Donna Lyman. Have we met before?"

"What?" she asked incredulously. 

"I loathe orange, you know that. It makes me feel like a giant walking carrot." She tossed the dress back onto the rack and moved on with Nicole trailing behind her.

"You know, it was your idea to go shopping," Nicole reminded her. "So if you're just going to act like the little brat that you are, it's your own fault." 

"You offered to take me shopping," Donna challenged her defensively.

"I did no such thing," she disagreed as they kept walking. "I said I'd take the day off work and bring you somewhere for your birthday, anywhere that you wanted, so we could have girl time together; If I had my way, we'd be all alone on the Concord right now downing bubbly and eating caviar and crackers at fifty bucks a pop, not schlepping through a mall on Friday afternoon with a two year-old while I carry all the bags."

"Well, you sprung this on me this morning so I couldn't get a sitter and I wanted to go shopping so suck it up and deal with it." 

"We can shop here anytime we want to, Donna," Nicole said, motioning around the mall with her hands. "It's your birthday and you're my little sister, I wanted to take you somewhere nice."

"And I don't want you to waste your money on me."

"Hey, it's my money that I made from my company that bears my name and I'll waste it any damn way I please."

"Okay, you want the truth?" Donna stopped walking to ask her. "Because we never do this anymore, that's why. We never get to just shop and argue over what to buy and try on clothes we would never wear in public and just be sisters, you know? I mean, I'm thirty-one years old today and we haven't hung out like this since…forever. Since before you moved out here, before I had Natalie, before I got married, before I worked in the White House, hell before you started your business." She shrugged, ducking her head in embarrassment. "I don't know, I think we're both always so busy with ourselves and our own lives that we forget to act like sisters sometimes."

"Oh sweetie," Nicole chuckled, wrapping her bag-laden arms around her sister. Donna hugged her back and the two just stood there for a couple of minutes, blissfully ignorant of the stares they were receiving. "You are always such a total sap on your birthday," Nicole commented as they parted and started walking again. 

"I know," Donna grimaced miserably, leafing through some business suits. "I just hate the thought that every year I'm getting a little bit older and that it's starting to become noticeable."

"Noticeable?" Nicole repeated skeptically.

"I'm getting wrinkles," Donna told her, clearly horrified at the thought.

"Oh, I don't believe that for a second, Donnatella."

"Really? I'll show you." She grabbed her sister's hand and dragged her to the nearest ladies room. She put the brakes on the stroller, checking to make sure Natalie was still sleeping before she stood up close to the mirror with Nicole in the empty restroom, pointing to the outside lids of her eyes. "There? See, crow's feet."

"Those are not crow's feet," Nicole said, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

"Yes they are!"

"No, they are not! These," she said, moving a little closer to the glass and pulling at her eyes, "on the other hand, are. And when I raise my eyebrows, my face is starting to resemble that of a bulldog's," she complained, demonstrating.

"Well look at this flab I've got hanging off by my ears. It's unsightly." Donna tilted her head back and pulled at the offending skin of her neck.

"I swear if my breasts keep sagging the way they are, they'll be down to my stomach by Easter," Nicole grumbled, pushing her cleavage up.

"My butt has virtually no muscle left in it whatsoever, it's just a blob of fatty tissue," Donna bemoaned, turning to get a look at it.

Nicole dropped her hands to her side and sighed dejectedly. "We're getting older," she stated gloomily. "We're not in our twenties anymore."

"We are, in fact, in our thirties," Donna lamented.

"We're no longer cute with flat stomachs and apple-shaped bosoms."

"We're sophisticated, with diets and Wonder Bras."

"We don't make-out with random frat boys at mixers."

"We're in committed relationships with two older men, both of whom have receding hairlines."

"I drive a Buick."

"I drive a minivan."

"I have a company that's responsible for fifty people and their livelihoods."

"I have two children that call me 'Mommy'."

"Do you know what we're going to be soon?"

She nodded gravely. "Middle-aged women."

They turned to look at each other and then back in the mirror. "Oh God," they moaned in unison.

"That's it, I've changed my mind," Donna said, unlocking the stroller and pushing it towards the door. "You're taking me to the nearest plastic surgeon and we're getting the full work up. That's your birthday present to me, the Fountain of Youth."

"Can't," Nicole replied distractedly, still fussing over herself.

"Why not?"

"We have to be out of here by…" Nicole stopped herself as she realized that she'd slipped up.

"Ah ha! I knew it, he's planning something," Donna said as she realized what her sister's faux pas meant. She leaned into her sister with a prosecutorial glare. "What's Josh planning, Nicole?"

"That, I am not telling you," Nicole answered as she tried to dodge past her sister to get back to the store.

"But you have to tell me!"

"Why?"

"Because Josh is your brother-in-law and I'm your sister," Donna explained as they arrived at the shoe department and Nicole began looking at a pair of Manolo Blaniks. "Blood relations trump legal ones all the time in these situations."

"Is that so?" she replied, not paying attention as she sat down to try on the heels.

"Nic, I hate surprises. You know that, and it's my birthday and having things done to me that I hate should not happen on this day!"

"Excuse me," Nicole asked a nearby salesperson, "do you have these in a size 7?"

"Nicolette," Donna said in a strained tone as she kneeled beside her, "I'm begging here and you do realize how desperately I must want this information if I'm resorting to pleading with you, so please help me out with this miniscule thing I'm asking you for."

Nicole looked at Donna thoughtfully, at the beseeching expression on her face and her hands pressed together in a prayerful fashion, much like Emma looked whenever she wanted something. She felt a smattering of guilt for putting her sister through this but she had promised Josh, after all. "No," she simply said as the salesperson returned with her request. "Sorry, can't help you out there, although the getting down on your knees was a nice touch."

"I hate you with the force of ten thousand volcanic eruptions," Donna growled as she got up from the floor.

"Oh don't be such a baby," she told her as she went to go ring up her purchase. "It's not a bad surprise, I promise."

"Than why can't you just tell me what it is?" Donna whined. "I know how to act surprised, he'll never know you told me."

"Because you will love this more and treasure it more if it's a surprise," Nicole assured her as she handed over her much-used credit card. "Besides, Josh has been planning this for months and he'll be really mad at me if I tell you."

"Since when do you care if he's mad at you?"

"Well right now I could care less but I figure it'll matter to me more later on when he's," she paused to glance around and make sure no one was really paying attention to them before she started whistling "Hail to the Chief".  

"You're really not going to tell me anything about this, are you?" Donna asked disbelievingly.

"All I can tell you," Nicole offered as she collected her purchase, "is that your daughters are spending the night at my place tonight."

"Really? So he's taking me someplace?" she tried to guess as they continued browsing through the mall. "I wonder where we could go for one ni--"

Nicole put a finger to her little sister's lip to halt any further inquires. "Uh-uh," she shook her head firmly. "You've gotten your one tasty morsel of information and that's all you're gonna get."

"This is just so unfair."

"Yeah, your husband took time out of his busy schedule of being an elected official to be absurdly romantic to you on your birthday. My God, how do you find the will to make it through the day?"

"Shut up and feed us, please. I'm famished."

"As you wish," she replied and the two sisters left the store to head to a nearby café.  Indian Summer was still in bloom so they sat waiting to order at an outside table. As they were looking through their menus, Natalie woke up and began fussing.

 "Well welcome back, Sleeping Beauty," Donna said as she lifted the toddler onto her lap. Natalie just squirmed around in her mother's arms and looked to be on the verge of what could be a very embarrassing tantrum when Donna looked to Nicole and asked, "Do you have it?"

She bit back a chuckle as she reached for her tote bag and dug around, searching for the desired object. "You are delusional, Donna," Nicole said as she handed it over to Natalie, who immediately started to quiet down.

"Josh would blow an aneurysm if he saw her with this," she defended herself, caressing her daughter's fine brown hair as she gnawed on the toy.

"Donna, it's a small stuffed elephant that your daughter takes joy out of having with her," she laughed at her sister, picking the menu back up. "You really think he'd have a problem with it because it happens to be the symbol of his opposing party?"

"If you tell him she likes it, I'll tell Toby you carry it around in your purse," Donna threatened.

"What's good here?" Nicole asked, swiftly changing the subject. "I feel like having a good Rueben sandwich right now. Do you know what you want?"

"Maybe an egg salad sandwich, that sounds delicious right about now."

"Egg salad?" Nicole glanced up at her skeptically. "Since when do you like eggs?"

"I like eggs just fine," Donna rebutted.

"Sure, except that you've hated eggs ever since you were Natalie's age."

"Well now at age thirty-one, I want an egg salad sandwich."

"I've never even seen you order an egg before for yourself. How can you--?"

"Damn it Nicole, I want to eat one lousy egg salad sandwich!" she hissed angrily. "On my birthday, I want a stupid egg salad sandwich! When did that become a crime against God and humanity?"

"Mommy's pissed!" Natalie cheerfully interrupted.

The two women instantly forgot what they were arguing about and stared blankly at the child. While Donna looked like she wanted to melt slowly into a puddle of liquefied goo, Nicole was barely able to conceal her utter glee.

"Natalie, where did you hear that word?" Donna gently demanded to know, turning Natalie to face her.

"Lily," she beamed at her mother, reaching over to smush Donna's cheeks together.

"Why am I not surprised by this?" she asked out loud, her words mumbled by her child's antics.

"Good afternoon, ladies," the waiter asked, stopping at their table. "Are you ready to order?"

"Yes, I'll have a turkey club on whole wheat and the lady who's being assaulted by her daughter will have," Nicole paused to shake her head in confusion, "an egg salad sandwich."

"Nic, can you get Natalie's food out of her bag?" Donna asked when the waiter had left and she managed to get her daughter's hands off her mouth by tickling her ribs, causing the baby to squeal with delight.

"I still don't get this obsession you have with feeding the girls health food all the time when they're this young," Nicole said as she took out the Rubbermaid container. "Kids eat junk food, it doesn't kill them."

"Because this is better for them, that's why," Donna explained, opening the container and handing Natalie some cut up celery. Vegetables and fruit are the best sources of vitamins for kids; they help boost their immune systems and studies have shown that children who eat healthy when they're young do better in school. Besides, Josh loads them up on sugar when I'm not around so it balances out nicely."

"Where'd you hear all this?"

"There's a pediatric dietician in my Mommy & Me group."

"So you finally gave in to Ellie's badgering and joined one of those things."

"Yes I did and to be honest, it's been good for Natalie. She's made a lot of new friends and she doesn't have to be subjected to a daycare."

"And how is it for Mommy?"  

She snorted in annoyance. "I'm looking at it as an opportunity to acclimate myself for dealings with future diplomatic relations."

"I told you it would be bad," Nicole said. "I told you it would be a room full of snotty, fruity upper-class snob wives of politicians and Fortune 500 executives."

"Oh God, they're horrible," Donna groaned. "All they talk about is this charity dinner their hosting for literacy programs for women in the Middle East or a ball to save five hundred acres of land for historical purposes when it could have been used for housing. It makes me want to rip my hair out one strand at time listening to them. But it gets even worse."

"How could it?"

"The other day, we were at a play date with a few others at the house of one Millie Caulfield. We were all on the deck while the kids were playing in the yard and these women are once again droning on and on about how polite and charitable they all are while I'm in danger of breaking the china from gripping it so hard in frustration. Anyways, after a few minutes we hear this shrill little scream from the yard and we look up to see Millie's daughter running up to us, clutching her arm and howling in pain. She wasn't hurt that badly, just a scrap, but she runs up the steps, into the house, and makes a beeline for her nanny, not Millie."

"Ouch, poor Millie."

"Oh no, not poor Millie," she corrected her sister. "As soon as her screaming child runs past her, our gracious hostess picks right up where she left off in the conversation, didn't even glance inside to check on her daughter." She shivered in disgust. "Can you imagine that, men and women who let their children run to nannies when they're hurt?"

"Well at least those kids have someone to run to," Nicole interjected.

 Donna turned her daughter to her and hugged her tightly. "You're never gonna run to a nanny, right sweetie?" she cooed.

"Nope," Natalie replied, munching on a carrot.

"You'll never forget that I'm your Mommy?"

"No."

"You'll stay a virgin until your married?" Nicole added.

"No."

"Nicole!" Donna reprimanded as she put her daughter back in the stroller. 

"I'm merely proving a point to you, Donna," she explained, giggling. "The child says no to almost every question you ask her, her opinion is irrelevant." She reached over and patted her sister's hand. "Mine, on the other hand, is not and I can say with absolute certainty that this little girl will always run to her Mommy, even when she's not so little anymore."

"I know that I'm paranoid, clingy, and smothering with them sometimes, especially Natalie," Donna chastised herself, "but I can't help it. I just want to keep them close to me for as long as I possibly can. Does that make me crazy?"

"No, it makes you a mom," she told her with a smile. "And a pretty damn good one too." 

"Thank you," she replied gratefully as their orders arrived. Without preamble, Donna lifted one of the sandwich halves to her mouth and nearly devoured the entire piece in one bite.

'Wow,' Nicole thought to herself as she watched her sister, part fascinated and part repulsed as Donna continued to consume her meal at a rapid pace. "Uh Donna," she said slowly.

"Mmph?" she muttered, still going to town on her food. 

"Medical experts have suggested that there's some merit to actually chewing your food before you digest it," she suggested sarcastically.

Donna just made a face at her before she finally swallowed. "I can't help it," she replied. "I'm starving, I feel like I haven't eaten all day."

"Did you have breakfast?"

"Yeah, after Josh and Emma left I had bagel with grape jelly," she listed as she thought back to that morning. "After that, I had some corn flakes, then toast with a side of hash, then I felt like having some bacon, and then I got the weirdest urge to have cranberry pancakes--"

"My God, Donna," Nicole looked at her in awe. "Most third world countries don't eat in a year what you just had this morning. Are you feeling all right? Maybe you should see a doctor."

Donna considered this. "I don't know," she finally said, rubbing her forehead. "I don't feel sick, just…tired and rundown. Most days my energy feels zapped before Emma even gets home. And I seem to be eating anything edible that's in my line of vision."

"Anything else?"

She hesitated before she answered. "The other day I felt really lightheaded and dizzy," she admitted begrudgingly. "But it went away after a minute or two, I promise."

"And…" Nicole prompted, knowing that Donna was leaving something out.

"I've had some mild nausea the last couple of days, but just in the morning," she confessed after a minute.

"Have you ever felt like this before?" Nicole asked, now genuinely concerned, her own meal forgotten. "Could you be relapsing?"

"No I had my yearly check-up more than two months ago; everything was normal, red and white blood cells, platelet count, the whole works. I'm fine in that regard, no relapsing or anything like that," Donna assured her. 

"Well how can you be so sure? Maybe something didn't turn up and the symptoms you're having now--"

"Nicole, these doctors know this disease. They've studied and treated it for years and if they say I'm okay in terms of the anemia, I believe them," she replied curtly, before taking a big bite out of her sandwich. "Besides, I've had these 'symptoms' checked out before and they're not related to the disease."

"When were you feeling like this before?"

"A couple of years ago, right before Josh and I got married. I went to see Dr. Flynn, he checked me out, and said the dizziness and the lightheadedness weren't related to the anemia."

"So what was wrong with you that you kept getting dizzy?" Nicole continued to question relentlessly.

"Nothing was wrong!" she exclaimed impatiently. "It wasn't like I was actually sick; I was--" She stopped short as she ran through the words in her head. The impact of it went straight to her gut, causing the blood to drain from her face and her voracious appetite to subside for the time being.  

"What? What is it?" Nicole asked hurriedly.

'Oh my God,' Donna thought, bringing one hand up to her mouth while the other unconsciously drifted down to her abdomen. "I was pregnant," she said shakily behind her hand.

"I can't hear you, Donna, what did you just say?"

"I said I was pregnant," she repeated, taking her hand off her mouth, getting up from the table robotically and pushing the stroller out of the restaurant.

"Oh my God," Nicole whispered to herself as she realized what could very well be happening. She quickly through a series of bills on the table, grabbed her purchases, and ran out onto the street. "Donna!" she cried out, looking for her sister.

"Over here," she heard from behind her. She turned to see her sister sitting on a bench, Natalie quiet in her lap. Donna didn't look at her, didn't look at the baby, didn't look at anyone; she just gazed out ahead of her, without focusing on anything but what had obviously been a fairly mind-blowing realization. "Hey."

"Hi," Nicole said, dropping down beside her. She smiled down at her niece, as she hugged her mother contently. Donna showered the top of the girl's head with kisses, holding her close to her heart. "So…you think that you're…?"

"Yeah."

"Wow," she replied dumbly, not sure exactly what she was supposed to say. She knew that Josh and Donna had been trying to conceive for a few months now but the look that Donna had on her face at the moment gave her pause. She didn't look happy but she didn't look disappointed either. "Hey, aren't you happy about this?"

"Honestly, I'm afraid to be," she disclosed. "I mean it could just end up being another false alarm. I just don't want to get my hopes up again." She drew in a shaky breath. "I mean we've been trying for months now and we've already had a couple of disappointments. We keep saying it'll happen when it happens but every time it doesn't happen…"

"All right," Nicole said. "Let's look at this logically: you're tired, you have a seemingly insatiable appetite, you've had dizzy spells, and you're sick but only in the mornings." She clucked her tongue knowingly. "Yeah this is a real tough one to figure out." She nudged her sister playfully and gave her a wicked grin. "How's you're sex drive been lately?"

"Shut up."

"Are you late?"

"Late for what?" she asked impatiently. Nicole just raised her eyebrows until Donna realized what she meant. "Oh that. Here, take her." She handed Natalie to her and then reached for her purse, pulling out her date book. 

After she'd stared at the page for a good five minutes or so, Nicole felt compelled to ask, "Are you not…?"

"Twelve days," she finally said, closing the book and shoving it back in her purse. "Okay, we're going to a drug store right now."

"Right," Nicole said, putting Natalie back in the stroller. "Wait, what time is it?"

"It's almost four o'clock."

"Oh shit!" Nicole sighed before catching Donna's death glare. She glanced into the stroller. "Sorry Nat, I meant shoot."

"You say shit!" she laughed merrily.

"I didn't mean it and no one should say bad words like that."

"Shit, shit, shit!" Natalie sang, waving her hands like she was conducting an orchestra.

"That's gonna take a week to get out of her system," Donna nagged Nicole as they headed down the street, Natalie quietly continuing her little symphony. "And why did you say it in the first place?"

She looked at Donna apologetically. "Because we don't have time to stop at the drug store or anywhere, for that matter. We have to head on out and get ready for tonight."

"Are you kidding me?" Donna declared, disbelievingly. "I may be pregnant and you're not going to let me buy a pregnancy test to help ease my anxious mind? What kind of sister are you?"

"The kind whose fifteen minutes behind schedule. Besides, if you really are pregnant, you still will be tomorrow when you take the stupid test."

"I don't believe you!"

"Donna, look I'm sorry," she tried to apologize. "I understand that you really need to know and you have every right to be angry with me right now but trust me when I tell you that after tonight, you will be thanking me for rushing you like am I now."

Deliberating her choices internally, she was torn. On the one hand, she knew that she absolutely had to take the test if her suspicions were right but on the other hand, Josh had gone to an awful lot of trouble to keep whatever was going on for her birthday a surprise, and she knew how hard it was for him to keep secrets from her. She could always take a test tomorrow or even get an appointment with her gynecologist, but tonight, whatever it was, was going to be special, she could feel it in her bones. "This had better be the mother of all birthdays for me, Nicolette," she informed her sister warningly. "This had best be the birthday to which all future birthdays will be measured up against."

"Oh it will be, I guarantee it," Nicole vowed as she steered them towards her parked car, across the street where they proceeded to unload both the bags and the baby into the vehicle. When the bags and stroller were in the trunk and Natalie was secure in her car seat, Nicole reached into her purse and pulled out a long black scarf before she raised her eyebrows at Donna and held it out to her.

"What the hell are you…" she began before realization dawned on her. She stared at her sister in shock. "Okay, you really are kidding me this time, right?" Shaking her head, Nicole stepped behind Donna and started to wrap the garment over Donna's eyes before she even had time to protest. The darkness was immediate and all consuming. 'This better be one humdinger of a present, Josh, because if it isn't, you had better invest in a pull-out couch,' she thought bitterly to herself as she felt the scarf being tied into a secure knot. Feeling around and conscious of how ridiculous she must look to an onlooker, she grasped her sister's hand tightly in her own.

"Josh insisted, even though I told him you'd hate this aspect of the adventure," she explained, leading Donna around to the passenger seat. Opening the door and gently lowering her onto the seat, she patted the top of her hand compassionately. "Don't worry, you'll love this."

"Don't bet the house on it," she argued half-heartedly, just for the sake of arguing. She was confused and nervous and apprehensive about what was going to happen but some part of her knew all this hassle would be worth it. She fumbled around with her seatbelt until she locked it in as Nicole plopped into her seat and started the car. At once, the sound of Neil Diamond blared out of the speakers.

"Hello, my friend, hello," Nicole began to sing, horribly off-key as Donna felt and heard the car enter traffic. Knowing from experience there was nothing she could do to stop her sister once she started listening to The Diamond, she rested her head back against the seat and tried to focus on clearing her mind to get ready for whatever was waiting for her at the end of this ride. But the only thing she could concentrate on was what might possibly be going on inside her body at that moment. Cells could be replicating at an astonishing rate; organs, bones, and tissues might be forming; it was even possible her baby was hearing or feeling her heartbeat right now. It overwhelmed her to think that a life could very well be growing inside her, protected and nurtured by her womb. 

'Oh God, if you're out there and I do believe you are,' she prayed silently, blocking out everything else but the sound of her prayer in her mind, 'please let this be for real. I know I probably don't deserve this after all I've done but I want this baby so much and so does Josh. Please let us have this.' She folded her hands across her stomach, almost as if she could will their child inside of her. "Please," she whispered mutely, her last thought before she drifted off to sleep, lulled by the car and her own never-ending cycle of thought. All of a sudden, she realized that the car had stopped and she could hear the sound of a car door opening. "We're here already?" she asked but received no answer. She jolted with surprise when her own door opened without warning. "Nic, where are we?"

"You're at your destination and it's not your evil sister but rather your best friend, Birthday Girl," Lily proclaimed as she reached inside to help Donna out.

"Lily, what the hell are you doing here?" she asked, awkwardly hugging her friend, as she was still blindfolded. "And where is here anyway?"

"Here is the Watergate Hotel," Lily said, taking Donna's hands and leading her inside. "And I'm here because it's your birthday and I love you and I wanted to be here. And your husband said he'd make me an Ambassador about thirteen years from now if I could get away for the day."

"Whoa, wait a minute! Natalie's in--"

"Your sister's arms and they are both waiting for us upstairs, along with everyone else," she assured Donna as they got to the elevators. Lily pressed the Up button and they waited for the car to arrive.

"Who's everyone else?"

"You shall see. Or rather, you shall hear because that thing isn't coming off for a while, Luv."  

"So I gather you're not going to be giving up any information to me either," Donna guessed as she heard the familiar ping of an elevator door opening.

"Step inside," Lily instructed, pulling her in. "And all I can tell you is that you will see in due time that all this aggravation will be most worth it."

"Did he make everyone involved memorize that or…?"

"Pretty much, yeah." They stood together in silence until they arrived at their floor and Lily once again led Donna to their appointed destination. She heard a door open, with the sounds of people moving around all over the place and what were noticeably only female voices, before she was once again pulled forward. She was dragged for what felt like twelve feet before she was stopped, turned, and seemingly left alone. "All right people, let's move. We've only got two hours to make this happen," she heard Lily say loudly, though it sounded like she was further away. But before she could comprehend that, she felt a pair of hands reach over to start unbuttoning her blouse.

"Hey!" she shouted, swatting vaguely around. "What the hell do you think--?"

"Donna, relax its Ellie," she heard her sister-in-law's gentle voice calm her. "I'm not gonna hurt you, no one is. We're just trying to get you changed."

"Changed into what?" she asked as she felt another pair of hands reach for the button of her pants. "Who is that?"

"Its Zoey, Donna," the young woman replied, not stopping her task. "And don't worry, I know it all seems strange but believe me when I say that after tonight--"

"I'll understand everything and treasure the moment to my grave," Donna finished for her as she stepped out of her shoes and pants and removed her blouse, self-consciously realizing she was partially nude in front of what appeared to be numerous women whom all had voices she recognized. "Let's just hurry this along so I can get this blindfold off and see what the hell I've been forced into."

"You got it," the two sisters told her as they lifted her now-bare arms into the air. Almost at once, Donna felt the smoothness of silk glide down her arms.

'Feels like a slip or negligee,' she observed silently as she was instructed to lift one leg up for it to be encased in nylons. 'Okay a slip and nylons; call me crazy but I think a dress is next.' And sure enough, her arms were raised again and she felt another layer of fabric slide over her body. Her shoulders felt bare and she could feel the back closing as buttons were being fastened. As soon as she felt the last button close, she was immediately led forward a few more steps before she was pushed down gently to a comfortable seat. "So there's a dress and now what is there?" she mumbled to herself.

"Hair and make up," the voice of Helen Harrington informed her as Donna felt her hair be released from its clip to cascade down her back. 

"Well that makes sense," she commented as a brush began to run through it. "So who else is here involved in this little covert operation?"

"Just your relatives and closet friends and they are all here because they love you and want to see you're face when you realize what your birthday present is," Helen teased her as she continued on her job.

"And me too!" a very excited Emma Lyman exclaimed from her mother's side, surprising her.

"Hi baby," Donna gushed and reached over to hug her child, rubbing her back lovingly. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just stopping in real quick. Daddy wanted to see how much everyone got done so far."

"Ah, so you're your father's little agent of espionage," Donna joked as she pulled Emma on her lap not wanting to let go of her daughter just yet. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head. "Say Emma," she whispered innocently in her daughter's ear. "If I gave you five dollars, will you tell me what's going on?"

"Sorry Mommy but Daddy already gave me ten to keep it a secret," she explained, laying her head on Donna's shoulder.

"I'll give you fifteen dollars," Donna bargained hopefully.  
  
"Daddy said any offer you made he'd trump it by five dollars," Emma grinned.  
  
"I see," Donna said, temporarily admitting defeat. "Did you save it in your bank or did you spend it?"

"Mommy, I'm a Democrat: What do you think I did?"

 "I think you blew it all on refined sugar products and crayons for yourself."

"And stickers for Natty," Emma added a little defensively. 

"Well that was very sweet of you," Donna told her, kissing her forehead.

"Emma, sweetie, we need to do your mother's make up know," Helen said to the two of them.

"I'll see you later, Mommy," Emma hugged her one last time. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you, baby," Donna replied as they released. "Are you going back to Daddy now?"

"Yeah but then I have to come back and get ready," Emma threw out as she left.

"Ready for what?" she wondered out loud, getting increasingly more confused as this exercise or whatever it was went on. "So you're doing my make up," she addressed Helen.

"Yep."

"So that means my blindfold has to come off for my eyes," Donna gloated. "And I can find out what you're all doing to me at Josh's request."

"But you already put on eye make up this morning," said Donna's grandmother, Mena Falansio, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And according to your sister, it's perfectly suitable for tonight."

"Okay, now you're here and I give up," Donna declared, reaching up and squeezing her grandmother's hand. "I have absolutely no clue what the hell is going on anymore."

"Which is exactly how Josh wanted you to feel," she replied, going to sit in front of her. "Now no more talking from you, young lady, because this must look perfect." And so, for what felt like an eternity, Donna remained quiet yet observant. She did as she was instructed whenever she was told to do something, but listened intently to the smatterings of conversation she could hear around her. Judging from the voices in the room with her, Mena, Helen, Nicole, Zoey, Ellie, Lily, both her daughters, and a small group of her friends from the magazine and DC were all there and all appeared to be in constant motion. 

'This is so annoying, being this out of control,' Donna thought to herself. 'Everyone is doing something for me except me, and they all know what's going to happen but I don't and I'm the one it will apparently affect the most.' Thoughts like that, and that of her possible pregnancy kept her distracted enough that she was able to remain seated and calm throughout the process of being made up.

Finally, she felt someone edge her out of the chair. Her sister told her to hold up one foot at a time to slip a pair of heels on her feet before she stepped away. Donna became acutely aware of the fact that for the first time since she'd arrived in what she guessed was a hotel room, no one was hovering over her or doing something to her or even standing near her. She was alone for the first time and it unnerved her.

"Guys," she said nervously, playing with her hands. "Is it over or--"

"I'm taking the blindfold off now, Bella," Mena said as she approached her. "It's going to be bright but you'll adjust in a second." With that, the darkness vanished to be replaced by a brightness that almost hurt. Blinking furiously for a minute, she was able to at last focus on the group before her.

All the females in her life that she loved were in front of her and smiling radiantly back at her, smiling like they all knew something she didn't, which they all did. Her daughters, dressed in matching dark blue velvet party dresses with white sashes, looked particularly glowing with happiness. Some of the women had tears in their eyes, others ready with cameras but all looking at her with that same expression of joy.

"Bella, my precious Bella," Mena crooned, stroking her cheek. The tears were blatantly obvious in her grandmother's eyes as was the care.

"Mena, what's going on…?" 

"Turn around," she simply said, tugging Donna shoulder to one side. Turning slowly, Donna found herself facing a three-way mirror and as soon as she saw herself, she knew both that everyone had been right and why some of them we're crying since she herself was about to burst into tears. Everyone was silent as the watched Donna understand what her husband had done for her today.

 "Oh my God," she said in awe for the second time that day, tears constricting her voice as she brought a hand up to her face. The vision before her was becoming blurry as the salty liquid sprang forth from her eyelids and she felt a tightness in her chest as her love for her husband closed over her. 'I adore you, Joshua Lyman,' she thought as she struggled to maintain her composure. 'You are amazing, although I'd never be stupid enough to say it to your face. But my God, you truly are.'

"Excuse me, ladies," a male voice interrupted as it arrived in the female domicile. Glancing into the mirror, Donna saw an elderly man in a judge's robe enter what she could now see was their hotel suite. Catching her gaze, he smiled gently at her. "I take it you're Donna," he directed at her reflection.

"Yeah," she said dumbly, not able to take her eyes off herself.

"Well happy birthday to you," he smiled at her before addressing everyone else. "And if you're all ready here, the groom is waiting."


	7. Chapter 7

The Watergate Hotel: October 14, 2005 

"Why aren't they here yet?" Josh asked nervously, fiddling with his cufflinks for the hundredth time in three minutes as he paced around the small platform. 

"Because they're not ready yet, Josh," Toby replied calmly.

"I don't get it," he continued on as if not hearing Toby. "It took us less than hour to get up here in our tuxes. Why the hell does it take them so long to get dressed and primped and whatever it is they do?"

"I don't know. Why is the sky blue?" Toby shrugged disinterestedly. "Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Republican Party exist? All excellent questions but none with definitive answers."

"Okay, one of your duties as best man is to keep me calm before the ceremony," Josh scolded him. "And the sarcasm isn't helping that much, buddy."

"What on earth do you have to be nervous about?"

"This is my wedding, in case you hadn't noticed!"

"To your wife, whom you've been married to for almost three years," Toby muttered under his breath.

"Technicality," Josh waved him off, continuing his pacing.

Toby rubbed his hand over his face tiredly and grabbed Josh's shoulder, forcing the man to halt and turn to face him. "Josh, I say this with all due respect, considering you're both a United States Senator and my boss, but I swear on everything holy, if you don't stand still in the next thirty seconds I will throw you off the top of this building."

The building in question, the Watergate Hotel, was the setting for the romantic affair or more accurately, the Roof Top Terrace of the Watergate Hotel was the setting. The area surrounding them was adorned with delicate white roses, Donna's favorite, and the setting sun provided just the right amount of light to glow over the wedding party and the guests.

Nearly everyone they cared about was with them that evening; Josh's mother and Donna's grandmother were seated next to one another, the sheer joy they felt at watching this evening etched clear across their faces. Former president Bartlet and his extended family were joining them as well along various other relatives, longtime friends, and several close staffers and co-workers, all gathered together, most of them strangers but all joined together today to celebrate this momentous occasion. Now if only it would start…

"Excuse me, Senator Lyman," the elderly judge, the Honorable Judge Davis Foster, came up behind him and lightly tapped his shoulder.

He turned swiftly and stared at the judge for a beat. "Is it…time?" he asked, his voice getting a tad a high at the end of the sentence.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the string quartet to his left began playing the opening notes of Pachelbel's "Cannon in D major" as the remaining guests shuffled quickly into their seats. 'This is it,' Josh thought to himself as he took his place. 'The big day; the wedding; the real wedding. Not that the other one wasn't real or great but it was just really spur of the moment and rushed with just the two of us. Now we have guests, lots of guests, all of whom are staring right at me…Okay stop thinking right now.' He shook himself off before his inner monologue completely overloaded his already over stimulated mind.

"Awww," the crowd collectively murmured, which caused Josh to jerk his head up and a grin immediately spread across his face. Emma and Natalie were making their way down the aisle in their matching dresses, each holding a basket of rose petals. Emma, already an old hand at this from her uncle's wedding, beamed up at her father as she reached into her basket and threw handfuls of flowers onto the white satin aisle like a pro. Natalie was another story; she toddled along a little bit behind her sister, looking around curiously at all the people smiling at her and completely ignoring her responsibility as a flower girl. Then, as her little brown eyes met her father's shining ones, her face lit up brighter than a Christmas tree as he waved and smiled back at her. "DADDY!!!" she cried, dropping her basket and making a beeline past her sister up to Josh, wrapping her arms around his legs with such a force he almost tripped. "Daddy!" she continued to shriek, oblivious to the amused crowd as she saw her father for the first time since early that morning. 

"Hey you," Josh crooned as he bent to scoop her up. He pecked her cheek and rocked her slowly against him. "Did you miss me?"

"No," Natalie replied as she cuddled further into his shoulder.

Josh chuckled lightly, stroking the child's back. "I think maybe just a little bit," he told her.

"Natalie Philomena Lyman! I told you to stay with me!" Emma whined, in an uncanny impersonation of her mother, as she reached them, her smile now replaced by her endearing pout. She tugged on the hem of her sister's dress. "You didn't listen to me, Natty; you could have ruined everything for Mommy!"

"Emma," Josh gently cut her off by putting a finger on her lips. "It's okay, everything's fine. Nothing was ruined, I promise."

"But Daddy," she continued, stamping her foot in frustration, "She was too cute! No one noticed me because of her!"

Not wanting Donna's day to be spoiled with the familial discord that appeared to be breaking out between their children, Josh spoke over to the crowd, "Did anyone here not notice the lovely and talented Emma Antonia Lyman due to the antics of her younger sister?"

"No," everyone replied back, causing Emma to duck her head as she smiled shyly at all the newfound attention.

"They did, however, completely miss the maid of honor's entrance," Nicole chimed in, stepping up to her place. "Not that I cared or anything," she said as she smiled indulgently at her nieces. "But if we don't all get into our places, we're gonna miss the bride's."

"Oh right," Josh said quickly as he set Natalie down. He placed a quick kiss on both her and Emma's heads'. "You girls did so well out there; I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy," Emma told him as she led Natalie over to sit with Rachel and Mena before standing next to her aunt.

"Okay, here we go," Josh whispered to himself as the judge gave a curt nod to the musicians, who were now joined by a locally acclaimed opera singer. After a couple of beats, the quartet began a different song. A piece of music that for Josh had once contained only pain and the thoughts of could have been but was being replaced before his eyes with hope and promise for the future.

"Ave Maria," the singer began as their guests rose to their feet. Josh simply closed his eyes and let the words and melody flow over him like a gentle ocean wave, calming and relaxing him more than he'd been all day. 'That's really quite amazing,' he thought of the music. 'It's so beautiful.' At that moment, he opened his eyes and stopped breathing. 'But nowhere near as beautiful as her,' he thought in wonder as he got his first glimpse of Donna as a bride.

As she walked down the aisle, Josh could not believe what was gliding toward him. He blinked a few times to get his eyes to focus. His wife, his Donnatella, was a vision to behold in white. Her dress, of white satin, set off her alabaster skin perfectly. She simply glowed. The strapless top revealed her perfectly sculpted shoulders. Wrapped around her smooth arms, a simple pearl-colored shawl alternately hid and revealed her arms, which Josh longed to have around his shoulders. The bodice tapered to show off her narrow waist and he thought, 'Who could ever guess that she was a mother of two?' 

Josh's gaze drifted lower to the skirt, which flared out slightly to give off an air of understated elegance. The material flowed around her as she neared. He could see a slight train drifting behind her, adding yet another air of unparalleled elegance to her. 

As she neared the groom, the sparkles from her tiara stole his glance. Inlaid with pearls and shimmering crystals, it sat upon her golden hair. Neither ostentatious nor showy, it only made her face more beautiful. Josh's eyes magnetically connected with her turquoise ones as she stepped next to him. 

"Hi," she whispered lovingly, her eyes sparkling with delight and unshed tears as the music faded and everyone took their seats.

"Hey," he replied almost robotically, too taken with her to think straight, much less form a coherent response to anything.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"We need to face the judge now so he can marry us again," she explained, nodding towards the smiling man.

"Right," he said sheepishly, turning to Judge Foster. Donna handed her bouquet over to her sister and faced forward. Josh reached over and took one of her hands in his, squeezing it reassuringly, hoping he was conveying all he felt for her in that simple gesture.

"Dearly beloved," the judge addressed the crowd of loved ones, "we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman, Joshua and Donnatella. For the past two and half years, Joshua and Donnatella have been married in terms of legality and in terms of their hearts. Together in their marriage they have been blessed with two beautiful daughters, as well as other numerous personal and professional accomplishments. Likewise, they have endured hardships and challenges, as does every couple that wishes to enter into marriage, and like many they have forged through their problems, and have come to the other side better and stronger in their love than before. To celebrate this fact, Joshua and Donnatella are here to renew their wedding vows in front of the family and friends that have so fiercely stood beside them." He smiled at them both, seeing as did everyone who saw them, the undeniable adoration they both felt for one another. "This is normally the time when the bride and groom will recite their vows that they have prepared for each other. However, our groom sprung this on the bride no more than an hour ago." The crowd chuckled heartily to that and Josh could only shrug his shoulders in reply. "But if the bride wishes to wing it, I suppose…"

"Thank you, Your Honor. I think I can come up with something," she told him, laughing. "I would like to hear what the groom has to say first though."

"Of course," he replied turning back to Josh. "Joshua, if you please?"

"Absolutely." He cleared his throat nervously and began to reach into his jacket pocket for the piece of paper that he'd had Toby help him write out, laying out the linguistic portrait of what Josh felt for his wife. But looking into Donna's eyes and seeing that sparkle, that light that always illuminated from her, he knew that for once he could speak in public without Toby's help.

"Donnatella," he spoke to her reverently, taking both of her hands in his, "I love you; it seems like such a momentous, powerful thing to tell someone but it doesn't even come close to describing what I feel for you, or how much you mean to me. Ever since I saw you, sitting in that storage closet in Manchester, you have been one of the few constants in my life and the only person in this world that I would ever let hold me up when I'm not strong enough to. You are the first person that I think about in the morning, the last one that I think of before I go to sleep, and every single minute in between. You have given me strength and will when I had none; compassion and loyalty when I didn't deserve it; and most importantly, the family that I never dared hoped that I could have." A lone tear fell silently done her cheek as she continued to smile softly at him and he reached out to wipe it away with his thumb. "Awhile back, a reporter once asked me what would be the greatest accomplishment of my life; back then, I said it would putting one of the truly great leaders of this country into the White House. If he asked me today, I'd say it would be ensuring that my wife could live in a world that was worthy of her and our children. You have made me a better man, Donna, and I just want to make sure that you know that everyday for the rest of our lives." 

Turning her head slightly to kiss the palm of Josh's hand that lay on her cheek, Donna could not get over how lucky she was to have come across her husband. The sheer number of near-misses, stumbles, and agonies along they way astounded her and she was reminded once more of how blessed they both were to have been given all of the second chances they had been. She also knew she'd work her damnedest to make sure they didn't need anymore.

"Joshua Lyman," Donna started, laughing through her tears and gently grasping his hands in hers, "you try as hard as possible to strike fear into the hearts of your political opponents with a tough façade and an intellectual bravado that makes you unapproachable to a lot of people; but I know who you really are. You are the man who fixes me fettuccini when I feel miserable because you know it's my favorite; the man who calls home every half hour when I'm sick to make sure I'm drinking enough orange juice; the man who will send me a dozen roses when I'm out of town for longer than his liking; the man who has made me feel like the most loved and wanted woman in the Western hemisphere; the man who makes it his duty to be the best father possible to our children; the man that I'm going to try to make as happy as he's made me for the rest of my life. A poet once wrote of a woman he loved, 'I love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow.' That's the only way I could explain my love for you. Every single day, even the bad ones, are incredible because you're there to share them with me, and I could never imagine sharing them with anyone else." 

Without even thinking, Josh leaned forward and pressed his lips against Donna's, arms snaking around her waist. She cupped the back of his head in her hands and returned the gentle caress of his lips with her own. It was a very innocent, chaste kiss; no tongues or anything like that, and it would have continued had someone not cried fowl. 

"Hey!" they heard Emma cry out. "No kissing until the end, remember Daddy?"

The crowd erupted in laughter and Josh and Donna broke apart, each blushing their own shade of crimson. "Remind me to mention that to her in front of her first date," Donna whispered conspiratorially into her husband's ear.

"Well, it seems the bride and groom are getting a bit impatient so why don't we move this along," the judge suggested, putting on his glasses and opening the Bible he carried. "Joshua, repeat after me: I, Joshua Elijah Lyman…"

"I, Joshua Elijah Lyman…" he repeated seriously.

"Take thee Donnatella Igraine Lyman…"

"Take thee Donnatella Igraine Lyman…"

"To love, honor, and cherish; in sickness and in health; for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live."

"To love, honor, and cherish; in sickness and in health; for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."

"I, Donnatella Igraine Lyman…"

"I, Donnatella Igraine Lyman…" she stated reverently.

"Take thee Joshua Elijah Lyman…"

"Take thee Joshua Elijah Lyman…"

"To love, honor, and cherish; in sickness and in health; for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live."

"To love, honor, and cherish; in sickness and in health; for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."

"With that, ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you once again Joshua and Donnatella Lyman." He grinned at Josh. "You may **now** kiss the--"

Donna grabbed the back of his head before the judge could finish and planted one on him, delightfully surprising him as her tongue stole passage into his mouth while his hands stroked the bare expanse of her back. The two of them would have been more than content to stay just that way for the rest of the night but as usual, their daughters had other ideas. Natalie broke free from her grandmothers and tried to bury herself in the folds of her mother's dress, while Emma raced over to Josh and tossed herself against her father's side, choking the life out of him.

"I love you," Donna whispered to him as she picked up Natalie before the little girl caused her to flash the entire crowd. Josh grinned back in response as he urged Emma forward with one, taking Donna's hand in his other. "Let's go celebrate."

"Oh we'll do that too," Josh replied with a leer as they made their way down the aisle, stopping every few steps to receive congratulations from well-wishers. "But why don't we go to the reception first?"

************************************************************************

"I can't believe you did all this," Donna gushed to her husband as they sat down at the head table at the reception. The ballroom of the Watergate now housed nearly three hundred party guests, those from the wedding and about two hundred more friends and associates, mostly members of Congress that Josh had to make nice with as well as a couple of photographers and reporters on hand to cover what had become a high-profile political event. For all her insistence that Josh was not a politician at heart, when he was a politician he was shrewd one. Every decision he made was weighed against what it would do for his public perception, even if it were personal one he still considered all his options. Donna knew it was just a part of who he was, a part of his job. He'd choose her and their girls over anything in heartbeat, she was certain of that, and the rest she just learned to live with.

"What can I say? I'm absolutely incredible," Josh deadpanned as he held her chair out for her. "Don't you agree?"

"You go right on and believe whatever you need to believe, pumpkin," Donna fussed, squeezing his cheeks together with one hand as she brought him down for a kiss. 

"Excuse me? Excuse me, everyone?" the voice of Josh's aide and close family friend, Gus Whittaker, blared across the room.  The raven-haired young man was standing in the center of the ballroom, microphone in hand, ready to address everyone. "Thank you very much for coming this evening. Before we get things started, why don't we have another big hand for the bride and groom." The crowd erupted in applause again while Josh and Donna waved casually from their seats. Once the clapping had died down, Gus continued, "We've got many, many important men and women of DC here tonight with us and I know that they're all eager to get boozing and schmoozing portion of the evening," he paused as he received a hearty laugh from most people, "so why don't we start the toasts right now?" Nicole and Toby stood up with their glasses and walked over to Gus but before either of them could begin, he started talking again. "I'm not a member of the wedding party but I wanted to just say something really quick." He coughed nervously and fiddled with his cummerbund. "Um, I haven't known Josh and Donna, as they insistent I call them during downtime, I haven't known them nearly as long as many of you have, but together they've already made a big impact on my life. When I met Josh, I was a waiter at a fundraiser of his and he immediately convinced me to leave my current job and come work for him, working twenty hour days, six days a week, and getting paid next to nothing for it. He completely turned my life upside down and I'm in his debt forever because of it. I work as his personal aide now and I get to go with him when he meets with his constituents and I listen to them explain to him how he's helped to improve their lives and I realize I'm a part of that. Because of Josh Lyman, I get to help make people's lives better and for me, there's no paycheck in the world that can top that. As for Donna, anyone who knows her knows that she is the power behind the throne, not in the sense that she controls his agenda but in the sense that she controls his conscience. She makes him see what the right thing to do is even when he doesn't want to and the people of Connecticut owe a big thanks to her. More importantly, she is an amazing parent, as is Josh, and if you've met Emma and Natalie you don't need to be told that. With that, I wish you many more children, more health, more success, and most importantly more happiness." The crowd raised their glasses first towards Gus, and then towards the couple as Gus ducked back to his seat, offering Josh and Donna a shy smile.

"Well that was so sweet," Nicole gushed into the microphone. She turned to an uncomfortable looking Toby. "Wasn't that sweet honey?"

"Precious," he replied, taking a gulp of champagne from his flute.

She rolled her eyes at him, elbowing his ribs playfully. "Anyways, we are both here, as the best man and maid of honor, to give the wedding toasts. Traditionally, this is done at separate times but you all know Toby and me; tradition can go screw itself for all we care so we're going to do this together. I will start out by saying that I love my baby sister very, very much and it makes me so happy to see her this overjoyed. I can honestly say that in all the years I've known Donna, her happiest ones have been with Josh and their girls. When you are with them, you know that you are in the presence of greatness personified and I'm not talking about their professional lives. I wish for them all the things that I desire for myself in life and much more." She raised her glass to them. "_Salute_!" she toasted them.

"_Salute_!" the crowd repeated, raising and then sipping from their glasses. Josh and Donna clinked their glasses together and each took a sip, although if one was looking closely they'd have Donna seen spit hers back into the glass.

"Tobias, you're turn," Nicole said, handing him the mike and wrapping her arm around him.

"Thank you, Nicolette, that was a lovely toast. I should know, I wrote it," he explained while Nicole shook her head. "Usually when I write a speech, I'm not the one giving it but I can be flexible occasionally." This time, Nicole nodded her head empathetically and grinned, eliciting a round of catcalls and hooting, which caused Toby to blush slightly. "Anyways," he forged on, "I made an exception in this case because it was for two people who annoy me less than others and that I am employed by. But as I read through my speech this afternoon and I read back over the words I'd used to describe Josh and Donna and their love for one another, I realized that I…I didn't need them. I didn't need to say how much they love each other or how much they need each other or what they mean to each other. I don't need to say it because I can see it and so can all of you. Any given day, you can see it; the way that when they walk, Josh's hand is on her back guiding her; the way Donna will walk into a dark room and turn the light on so he can read more easily; they way they finish each other's thoughts and jokes and sentences in that way that is uniquely them. You can see it; I don't need to ask them how much they love each other because I can see it and that says more about them than any writer could say in words. _Mazel tov_," he toasted them.

"Now that was precious," Nicole told him kissing his cheek.

"Yes," Toby agreed, finishing his champagne. He glanced back towards the band and looked back at her. "Is it time for…?"

"Yep," she nodded, knowing what he meant. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the bride and groom to share their first dance so if you guys will come up here…" she motioned for Josh and Donna, who got out of their seats and made their way to the center of the dance floor. They quickly hugged and kissed Toby and Nicole in thanks and waited for the music to start, neither having any idea what their first dance would be to.

"For some reason passing understanding, I was put in charge of selecting the song," Toby began as he made his way up to the stage by himself. "And as I was looking through my CD collection, I came across a song that I believe fits Josh and Donna like a glove. However, I didn't feel that it would have the same effect if they danced to it being played by another band or from a CD so I called in a couple of favors and so you may be forewarned, Josh and Donna, you're first son is going to be named Tobias. So here to perform for all of us tonight, Mr. Billy Joel."

The crowd audibly gasped and chattered as the Grammy-winner made his way to the stage. Josh and Donna were amazed and touched at the trouble Toby had obviously gone through for them as they waited to hear what their perfect song was.

With a smile to the bride and groom and a quick handshake with Toby, the Piano Man sat down behind the grand piano and after a quick warm-up began to play the chosen song. Josh and Donna smiled at one another as they recognized the simple tune and affectionately embraced, swaying along to the melody that really did fit them like a glove: 

In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along   
  
I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense  
And still I feel I said too much  
My silence is my self defense   
  
And every time I've held a rose  
It seems I only felt the thorns  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon I suppose   
  
But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake  
So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break   
  
And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows   
  
So I would choose to be with you  
That's if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break   
  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows 

"I love you," Donna whispered in Josh's ear, the words of the song briefly bringing her back to a time when she knew she herself had wounded his heart.

"It's okay," he told her, instantly catching her subtext and pulling her tighter against him. He nuzzled the shell of her ear tenderly. "I love you too."

Later on that evening, after toasts and dancing and food and just a little bit of politicking, Josh was standing on the sidelines watching his wife share a dance with Bobby when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "So, how much of this shindig did you actually plan on your own?" former President Jed Bartlet asked protégé.

"Enough so I could claim credit but not enough that I actually got the chance to ruin anything, sir," Josh explained, giving him a hearty handshake.

"Well it's been a wonderful evening anyways, I'm very happy for you. A blessing on your house, son."

"Thank you, sir."

Jed looked into his glass thoughtfully before continuing. "I spoke with Leo this morning," he casually tried to mention.

Josh glanced at him. "Did you?" he stated, his attempt at nonchalance failing miserably.

"He sends his congratulations for the both of you. Same goes for CJ."

"And Sam?" 

Jed looked at him sympathetically. "Don't do this to yourself tonight, Josh," he advised. "This is a day to celebrate, not for all that other crap."

"Whatever you say, sir," Josh replied, unable to hide his bitterness.

"But while we're on the subject, you could try giving him a call once in a while. And Leo and CJ too."

"I will when they will. They know my number and where to find me."

"Yeah because that strategy is always really productive in bridging the gaps and healing the wounds between old friends."

"Look I never said that I wouldn't help Sam, sir," Josh argued, trying to keep his voice low. "But I had a life of my own that I had to lead, with my own responsibilities and priorities. I couldn't walk him through a gubernatorial race in California when I have my own constituents in Connecticut."

"He's your friend, Josh, the two of you were like brothers," Jed tried to reason.

"Did you catch him on 'Meet the Press', two months ago?"

"Josh…" Jed shook his head, knowing where this was heading.

"They asked him about me and the job I was doing in my first year. He said perhaps if the people of Connecticut knew the real me and a lot of the real facts of what happened during your administration, I probably wouldn't have been elected in the first place!"

"I know. I also know that Leo and CJ both personally to took him to town for those remarks. Not to mention the eleven percent bump in popularity and noticeably you got as a result of playing it cool."

"That's all well and good but it took weeks for that to die down here, not to mention that was just the kind of press I needed when I started out in Foreign Relations." 

"He was wrong, Josh."

"Damn right he was!" Josh took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. He gazed out across the ballroom and saw Donna, talking and laughing with a couple of Congressmen. She glanced over at him and smiled brightly, giving him a wink. He gave her a half smile before turning back to his old boss. "He betrayed me," Josh said, calmer. "And Leo and CJ are helping him to do it, no matter how benignly. Sam's becoming the kind of politician we used to keep on our enemy list. I choose not to associate with my enemies."

Before Jed could try to argue his point further, Nicole announced from the stage it was time for the throwing of the bouquet. Donna strode up to the stage as the all of the single women in the room gathered in front of the stage, most looking ready to pounce over all the others to get the desired arrangement of flowers.

"Ready?" Donna called out, her back to the crowd. "1…2…3!" She hurled the bouquet into the waiting throng of people and turned to watch in amusement as the women pushed and shoved each other to get to the flowers. Finally, after a few seconds, the commotion died down and the winner was revealed to be…

"Oh God no," Josh moaned as he saw his nearly eight year-old daughter proudly hold the bouquet over her head. The rest of the room laughed and applauded enthusiastically while Josh and Donna shared an expression of dismay.

"Drink up, son," Jed advised him amusingly, handing him another glass of champagne, which Josh promptly drained before Emma ran up to him.

"Look Daddy, Grampa Jed!" she shouted gleefully, showing off her prize. "I caught it!"

"Well you sure did, Emma, good for you!" Jed praised her, getting down on one knee to give her a hug. "But this means you have to find someone to marry very soon. Any idea who the lucky man will be?"

"Sir, could you please not encourage her?" Josh begged him.

"But I already know Daddy," Emma informed them.

"And who is it I'm going to be maiming?" Josh asked under his breath.

"I'm going to be Emma Lyman-Whittaker!" she said cheerfully.

"Gus!" Josh shouted towards his aide, staring daggers at him.

"No time for that, Josh," Jed told him as he got up off the floor. 

"Why not?"

"Because it's time to have our ten hour honeymoon," Donna said from behind, catching the tail end of the conversation. She leaned over to peck his cheek. "Wait until adolescence to start with the maiming, that's what Dr. Spock always said." 

"All right, time to say goodnight girls," Nicole said, bringing Natalie over to her parents.

"You girls be good tonight," Donna instructed Emma, bending down to kiss her goodnight.

"And no getting married tonight, Emma," Josh instructed her as he gave her a big hug.

"When can I get married?"

"Like one, two hundred years from now," Josh said seriously.

"Goodnight Little One," Donna whispered tenderly to an already sleeping Natalie. "Mommy loves you."

"Night Bella," Nicole kissed her sister goodnight. When she leaned in close enough, she also whispered, "I snuck away to the drug store before the ceremony. They're in the bathroom with your nightgown and stuff."

"Thanks," she replied, squeezing Nicole's hand. In all the commotion of the ceremony and the reception, her possible pregnancy had nearly slipped her mind.

"So, do you guys want to do the reception line or sneak away?" Nicole asked.

"Sneak away," the couple answered adamantly, already tired from the rather full day they'd had.

"Okay," she replied. She tried to nudge Natalie awake so she could say goodnight to her father. "Say goodnight to your Daddy, Nat."

"Oh she's tired," Jed commented as the little girl sleepily opened her eyes. "I saw her eating some cake before, the sugar probably put her out." He smiled at the child. "You enjoyed that cake huh? What did it taste like, Miss Natalie?"

"Shit," Natalie mumbled tiredly, closing her eyes again.

Jed looked at the other three adults curiously. "Brutally honest," he observed. "She'll have no future whatsoever in politics."

"Sorry, sir, that was my fault," Nicole explained. "I'm sure she loved it." She glanced over her shoulder before she spoke to her sister and brother-in-law. "You guys better make your getaway now."

"Yeah, thanks," Josh told her, dropping a kiss on his sleeping daughter's head. "We'll get them around noon or so tomorrow." He kissed Nicole's cheek. "Thanks for everything."

"No problem," she said as she said goodbye to her sister. "C'mon Em, you're parents have to get going."

"Night Mommy, night Daddy," she waved to them as her aunt led her back towards the dance floor.

"Well, happy birthday Mrs. Lyman," Jed bid her goodbye, pulling her into a hug.

"Thank you, sir."

"And don't forget, I want to see all of you in Manchester at Christmas time. All the kids are old enough now and I've got a Santa suit I haven't had a chance to use since Liz's kids were actually kids."

"We'll try sir," Josh promised, shaking his hand as Donna made her way to the elevator.

 "Joshua," Jed began wisely, "remember what I told you at Natalie's first birthday party, about the worst of myself and Leo lurking inside of you? 

"Yes sir?"

"Make sure it's worth it before you let it out."  

Josh didn't say anything, just squeezed the older man's hand one more time before slipping away to join his wife. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly to him as they waited alone for the elevator.

"Thank you for tonight, Josh," she whispered to him. "You have no idea how much it meant to me."

"Me too," he replied, placing a kiss on her bare shoulder. The elevator doors opened then and they stepped into the unoccupied car, alone at last for the first time all day. And Josh knew just how he wanted to spend that time.

"Josh," Donna chastised him, smiling as he tried to pull down the zipper of her dress while kissing the nape of her neck. "We're in an elevator. An elevator with cameras."

"Exhibitionism, I like they way you think," he murmured into her ear, still working on her zipper.

Donna started laughing and was about to pull him in for a kiss when the elevator stopped on their floor. All of sudden, Donna felt a little dizzy and she swayed slightly into Josh.

"You okay?" he asked concerned, tightening his arms around her as they stepped into the hallway. 

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's just been a long day," she tried to reassure him, wanting very much to get into the room, both to start celebrating and to have her question answered.

"Well get ready," Josh said as they reached their door. "Because it's gonna be an even longer night." With that, he opened the door to their room and immediately picked Donna up off the floor, surprising and delighting her as he carried her over the threshold into their suite.

"You are certifiable," she laughed, kissing his cheek as they made their way to the bedroom. 

"And you married me. Twice. What does that say about you?" he joked, laying her gently on the bed before taking off his jacket and undoing his bowtie.

"I love a challenge," Donna replied cattily as she took off her veil and toed off her heels.

"Lucky me," he said, climbing on the bed, hovering over her body. He immediately claimed her lips for his own, skimming his hands along the fabric of her dress. Donna worked on sliding his suspenders off and unbuttoning the first few buttons of his dress shirt. Josh had just reached around to continue unzipping Donna's dress when the bedside phone rang. "Oh come on," he groaned as he reached over to answer it. Donna meanwhile began marking his neck with her lip prints. "Hello…Mitch this is really not a good…Yeah," he sighed, laying his head in the crook of Donna's neck. "There's a potential teacher's strike planned for the three biggest high schools in Hartford," he apologized, looking down into her face. "I've got to take this."

"Okay," she nodded her understanding, hoping she was hiding her disappointment. She pushed gently on his shoulder. "I'm going to go freshen up in the bathroom."

"Fifteen, twenty minutes tops, I promise," he said giving her one last kiss. "I'm gonna take this in the living room." He put the phone on the table and walked into the other room.

Donna slowly got up from the bed and headed into the spacious bathroom. She knew she shouldn't begrudge him this, especially after all he'd done for her today to make her birthday special, but she did, just a little bit. She turned the faucet on and began to wash off her makeup when something caught her eye and any thought she had about anything left her mind.

A slinky, long white negligee was hanging from the shower rod but that wasn't what had grabbed her attention. The CVS bag sitting on the floor did and she immediately grabbed it, peering inside. Three separate home pregnancy tests were there. 'Thank God she's always prepared,' Donna silently thanked her sister for being smart enough to get more than one test. She wouldn't be able to stand getting a false positive now.

"All right," she psyched herself up in the mirror, taking a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomach. "You've done this before; this is the easy part." She took one last calming breath, closing her eyes as the image of a small white bundle with a perfect little face entered her mind. "Okay, let's do this Donna," she said, taking a glass and filling it with tap water. She took all of the tests out of the boxes and changed into her new nightgown before she gulped the water down, another two glasses later and she finally felt the urge to start peeing. Quickly getting that part over with, all she was left to do was sit down on the toilet seat and nervously tap her feet as she waited for three minutes to be up.

'I wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl,' she let herself wonder for a moment. 'Another girl would be fine but I think I might like a boy this time. I know Josh would love a son…Stop! Don't think like that for another ninety seconds.' Rubbing her hand lightly over her stomach, she tried to notice if there was any kind of difference to it. It seemed slightly firmer than it had the other day in the shower but that could just be attributed to her eating habits lately. 'Maybe I'm that hungry because I'm not just eating for myself anymore…Oh hasn't it been three minutes yet?…I can't take this, I have to look!'

Slowly getting up from the toilet, eyes still closed, she stepped over to the counter where she'd laid all three tests face up. Fumbling a little, she turned each one over before she looked at. Finally, she couldn't put it off any longer and cautiously opened her eyes. 'Please God, please let me…' Her thoughts abruptly ended as she saw three bright blue plus signs staring back up at her from each of the three tests. Tears welling in her eyes, she grabbed for the discarded boxes and double-checked the instructions.

"A blue plus sign indicates pregn…Oh my God!" she breathed as she brought her hand up to her mouth as the tears started streaming down her face, a feeling of pure euphoria washing over her. "I'm a having a baby," she said out loud, clutching her stomach. "I'm gonna have a baby…Josh and I are having a baby. Josh!" Quickly, she began to clean herself up, a task made harder by the shaking of her hands from the sheer adrenaline pumping through her. "We're having a baby," she sang quietly to herself as she gave herself a quick once-over in the mirror, taking her hair out of the clip and letting it fall loosely onto her shoulders. Stopping at the door, Donna gave one more quiet yelp of happiness before masking her face into what she thought was a neutral expression before stepping back into the bedroom.

"Hey," Josh said to her as she stepped back into the room, not looking up her yet as he was otherwise occupied. He was trying to uncork a bottle of champagne from what was obviously a room service cart. He'd ordered her strawberries and cream, her favorite, and another bottle of champagne for later. "What took so long? I was able to get negotiations for the thing started before you came out of there. I was about to send in a search party."

"So everything's okay in Hartford?" she asked, leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the bed.

"Yes, school will probably commence as scheduled on Monday," he told her as he continued to struggle with the champagne. "But I don't want to talk about Hartford or any other city in Connecticut. All I want to do is get you drunk on expensive champagne and keep you in bed for the rest of the night." He looked up at her and noticed she had a slightly dreamy expression gracing her face. "What?" he asked, sensing something was up.

Smiling knowingly at him, she gazed at him happily. "You can't," she told him softly.

"Can't what?" furrowing his brow as he tried to get the cork out of the bottle.

"Get me drunk."

"Why not?"

"Because you got me pregnant."

*POP* The cork shot out the bottle and bubbling white foam poured down Josh's immobile arm. 'Pregnant' was the only word his mind had been able to process; that and the fact that it had came out of his wife's mouth.

"Josh, honey?"

"Yeah?" he replied hoarsely, still not looking at her.

He could practically hear the smile in her voice. "It helps to inhale and exhale," she advised.

'Oh right, that's what the burning sensation in my lungs means,' he thought as he gulped in a large swallow of air before releasing it. He repeated that process a few times before he finally looked up at Donna. Josh looked straight into her eyes and he saw it; there was a softness in her gaze now that he remembered seeing in her eyes the night she told him she was pregnant with Natalie.

"You're pregnant?" he asked disbelievingly as he walked over to her slowly.

"Mm-hm," she nodded, smiling even brighter.

"We're pregnant?" he asked, smiling a little as he got closer.

"Yep," she nodded again.

"We're gonna have a baby?" he asked in a hushed, awed tone, standing in front of her.

"Yes," she replied in the same tone, bringing her arms around his neck and kissing him.

"Oh my God!" Josh laughed as they broke apart, staring down at her stomach as if it were one of the Seven Wonders of the World. "Are…are you sure?" 

She nodded briskly. "Three tests and I passed them all with flying colors," Donna said excitedly.

"Oh man, we're having a baby," he repeated leaning his forehead against hers, rubbing his hand along her stomach.

"Yes," she simply said, giving him another kiss. He returned this one passionately and before they knew it, they were celebrating this latest joy wrapped up around the silk sheets of the bed.

Later, much later, as they were both drifting off, Donna nudged him slightly with her elbow. "Josh," she whispered to him, keeping her eyes closed. 

"Yeah?" he replied, not opening his eyes but tightening his hand on her stomach.

"Just so you know, as much as I loved all of today," she began, patting his hand.

"Yeah?" he asked, opening his eyes and looking down at her.

"You're only getting a Rolex for your birthday." He laughed a little, kissing her temple before he closed his eyes and the three of them drifted off to sleep.

The End


End file.
